Mystery in Life

There is so much mystery in life. We live our whole life with questions, which will never be answered. How was the world created? Is there a God or many Gods? When will we die? Why do we die? It is all a big mystery. Sometimes it would be nice to know the answers, to be able to see what lies ahead but I think if we did we would become very bored. It is in the questions that we seek to learn and to grow, to explore new ideas and adventures.

Over these past few months many friends have lost a parent...they were elderly and ready to go but still losing a loved one is painful. In the next four days we will be celebrating the lives of three members of our congregation....some were elderly, the other stricken with cancer too young to die. In all of this there’s no reasoning. One just has to accept what has happened and carry on. Bad things do happen to good people. And the “why” question remains unanswered.  I myself believe in God the creator, in God who loves all people and wants what is best for us. However I don’t believe God has control over all that happens here in this world. I can’t believe that because a loving God would never let children die, wars happen or see so many people go hungry or be abused. I grew up hearing my Dad say “nothing is fair in this old world so you better get used to it” and he was right. Much about life isn’t fair. Why should some have so much, why do some have so little? Why do some live unhealthy lifestyles and live to be 100 while others who eat well and exercise, are stricken down in their youth?

So life remains a mystery and we all just carry on the best we can, caring for each other, this world and all those who live in it. Sometimes it gets hard, we pray for answers that don’t come. I guess we just need to live with the questions, continue to seek the answers and enjoy the journey along the way....but sometimes...it gets tough. It really is a mystery.

Apparently I'm Fat!

Two weeks ago I joined a gym along with a few friends. I have never liked gyms and never even thought seriously about exercising.  I have always walked with friends and kept active so I felt there was no need to go to a gym. I had tried it years ago and quickly quit BUT this time around it has been different. The place isn’t busy, the walls not covered in mirrors and I can just let myself in anytime and do my own thing. It has been fun comparing points etc with friends and having a small fun competition. Yesterday it all changed. I went for my physical fitness/health test. I must admit I was very nervous...I didn’t like the idea of having someone watch me doing the exercises but she was very kind and lots of fun. In many ways I did better than I had hoped.  The news she gave me afterwards was not so great.

Apparently I’m fat!  Now to many this probably is not shocking but to someone who grew up with the nick name “Skinny Linny” it is rather devastating to have someone tell you, you are fat.  24 hours later I have decided I really don’t like it much. The thing is, I love food. For years I have been surrounded by people who eat vegetables and are all into their health. I have rebelled because I feel life is too short to go around worrying about what you are eating. I’ll admit there is so much “junk” in the food these days that I shouldn’t be eating it but I figure it is a bit late now to start fretting about it. I love my chips and icecream and there is nothing better after a meal that a little snack of an Oreo cookie to just sweeten the taste.

If nothing else this has made me have great compassion for the overweight children in the world. How horrid it must be to have kids teasing you and calling you fat. I feel very blessed that all my young life I could eat whatever I wanted and never had to worry about weight until now. I ran into my daughter today and told her that I really didn’t like being called fat and she chuckled and replied that she could tell that. I guess I have been grumbling nonstop since yesterday afternoon.

So I sit writing this while my veggies are cooking ready for my dietary dinner. I really doubt this is going to help me lose the 15 pounds required so that I am no longer labelled “fat”. Two years ago I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now. I got serious and quickly lost the weight. I know I still have more to lose and I have tried over this past year on and off to lose weight and haven’t lost a pound. Salads for my lunches, veggies for dinner and no potato chips...nothing changed so I went back to eating the way I like to enjoying my comfort food.

The thing is, I signed up for 6 months of torture with this personal trainer and promised her that I would change my attitude, my lifestyle and lose the weight. She would give me guidance and exercises that supposedly will decrease my waistline (which now is the same measurement as my chest and almost the same as my hips). I appear to be tube shaped! I really am not so sure I want to do this though. Now that I know I can’t eat my comfort food it is all I crave. I am afraid the word “fat” has taken away the fun of going to the gym and the little competition but I suppose I shall get over it soon and carry on.

Really though is it all that important? Life is so short...I am so past the half way point. Shouldn’t we all just be making the most of the time we have here and enjoy it and the wonderful food life has to offer? Yes it may cause us to become ill or die too soon but it really seems to be the luck of the draw as way too many health conscious people still die from diseases. Time will tell I suppose...and in the meantime I will once again try to eat healthy and exercise more but I want everyone to know I am not happy about this and I have never felt so fat before in my life.

Ah What a morning!

Headed out this morning at 6 am ...in the dark.....the streets were quiet and peaceful. Heading back an hour later, the skies were lighter but there was a great bank of fog hanging low in the valley as I drove home amongst the traffice. Twenty five minutes later as I headed back into town, I crested the hill and there was the sun, shining in all its glory, in a beautiful clear blue sky. I could see the fog bank now hanging over the bay area in the distance. Down the hill into the city the streets were busy with traffic, but the skies were clear and sunny, the air crisp and cool.
Fall my favourite season of the year.....it has arrived!

Tradition and Connections

It is the second weekend in September and the annual Cowichan Exhibition is in high gear. It is the 143rd year of the fall fair in this community. Over the years it has changed and somewhat shrunken but there are still the old timers and many new families join in and share their talents and gifts. Two years ago it moved from the land that once belonged to my great Uncle to another farm further out of town. There aren’t as many farmers as there once was nor as many women baking pies but still, the fair carries on in great tradition.

My family has been going for as long as I can remember and in tradition, we go in the morning and look at all the exhibits and see who made what and what they won. I never entered anything as a child but my children entered a few things over their growing up years. Then each year we go home for lunch and return to the fair around 4 pm and at 5pm we all have Chinese food. If you want to see the Evans gang at the fair you just have to go to the Chinese food stand at 5 pm and there you will find us.(Many of our extended family and friends know this and will show upJ) Followed by this we sometimes check out the barns if we haven’t previously done so, pet the horses, "ah" over the cute bunnies and try to avoid the cow droppings in between and then we wait for the evening music to start. These last 15 years the highlight for my daughters has been to take my Mom on the Tilt -a -Whirl ride because Grannie just loves it and laughs and giggles through the whole thing. It is a good time and we all look forward to it. Grannie is 76 this year and still going strong.  This is our special “girl“ time together each year.

                                            Dad and Mom enjoying another year at the fair

My friends who have been in this community for the past 8 years had never been to the fair and were thinking of coming on Saturday so I told them I would see them there and some of the things we could do as I felt they would need some "family connections" to really see what the fair was all about. Well they texted Friday night to say they were going that night so I replied “have fun”. Now I must admit, I kinda chuckled to myself at the time because I thought...they are not going to have much fun and be wondering what one does at the fair but I also hoped that they may run into a few people they knew and make some of their own “connections” with friends. Well I ran into them this afternoon and they never said anything but I brought up the fact that there wasn’t much to do at the fair and I could tell that they totally agreed with me. I tried to explain to them about the fair but really didn’t know what to say because they are right...there isn’t much there.

No, there really isn’t a lot to do at the fair if you don’t enjoy watching animals being judged or horses jumping over rails or seeing which old tractor can pull the furthest, but what there is, is connection. The fair is where you will see people that you may only see each year at the fair. A time when you reunite, find out how each other’s year has been and wish each other the best for the coming year. You’ll get to see your friends’ children or grandchildren, hear their accomplishments and share in a few laughs.  This morning in fact I was witness to the most beautiful event. A young woman who was born with Down syndrome, who my children went to school with, was sitting on a bench a few feet from us. I looked over and her boyfriend was down on his knees and he slid a beautiful ring onto her finger and asked her to marry him. She squealed in delight, leapt up into his arms, they shared a loving kiss and then she ran over to show us her beautiful ring...he followed and very proudly stated that is was a good ring and it had only cost him $28.00. They were two very innocent, young, loving people and their joy and love touched my heart.

So the small town fair....not much there if you’re not an old time farmer, not much to do if you don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on rides but what there is there, is history, tradition and lots and lots of connections. And you may just get blessed as I was today, to see love in action.

Fears

A friend of mine wrote about following our fears a few weeks ago.  At first when reading it I didn’t really like what he had said. I mean who wants to follow their fears, most of want to run from them. Yet it has gotten me to thinking about my fears. I am not really sure what my fears in life are. I suppose my greatest fear would be to lose one of my children but that is a fear that you cannot follow and hope I never have to face.

I spent many years of my life living in fear, the kind where your heart races, your body feels hot and you are almost immobilized with the fear. I had fear that I would do something wrong, fear that either my children or I would be hurt, fear that I would be left alone and not be able to support myself and my children, fear of just being alone.  I lived with those fears but did not follow them....instead I escaped from them.  It took courage but the freedom of living without that fear was such a relief.

I would like to think that at this stage of my life I could follow my fears instead of running from them but I honestly am not sure what my fears are. I have written before about change and how I do not deal well with it so maybe that is my fear and also the fear my buddy spoke of. Yet the thought of change doesn’t “scare” me the way it did in my past.  I also am no longer stressed over the errors I make at work, I still get angry with myself when I mess up but I don’t dwell on them, I just correct them the best I can and carry on. I have learned that we all make mistakes and without mistakes in our lives how would we ever learn.  I now live alone and spend many hours with myself so although I get lonely at times, I no longer fear being alone...in fact many days I welcome it.

So I have now reached the point where I am wondering, if I have no fears am I really living life. Have I gotten so comfortable in my personal and work life that there are no challenges to cause me to feel fear? I obviously need to spend some time thinking about this. I have been working on a bucket list for this past year, doing things that I have wanted to do, some that were physically challenging for me but the only fear would be that I would be unable to finish...really nothing to be scared about. I was nervous singing in a choir concert for the first time but I wouldn’t call that fearful. Maybe my idea what fear differs from what others feel as fear. Maybe I have mixed up the feeling of being “scared” with the feeling of “fear”. There are other things that I don’t want to do but it isn’t that I am scared  to do them....like eating stuffed mushroom caps....I just really don’t want to. I guess I would need to make some major changes in my life to be able to follow my fear....try something totally off the wall.  Take off on a new adventure, change my place of employment, or move to a new town. I suppose these would cause me to be nervous and cause me to worry but I am not sure I would be feeling fearful.  I do have a fear of heights. When I step close to the edge up on the mountain my heart races so I suppose I have a fear of falling off even though I know I won’t. I don’t really have a desire to go cliff climbing but should I try it in order to follow my fear?

If you are not feeling fear, or following your fears are you living life to the fullest? How does one “follow” fear? Any thoughts?

p.s. after walking with a friend this morning....maybe I need to change the word to worry as I do worry a lot about life and I think that is different from fear.

Paradise

The beginning of this week saw me looking for escape....a way to run away from life, forget my worries and stress, not having to make decisions and just be. I found a song “Knee deep” that I continuously played (my apologies to my neighbours and co-workers). Its words somehow sent me on a mission...that all I had to do was be knee deep in water somewhere, lose myself and I would find the peace and paradise that I was craving.  So I rounded up a couple of friends, planned a beach outing for the weekend and waited with great hope and anticipation.

The day has now come and gone. It was wonderful, fun, relaxing and somewhat peaceful. It passed all too quickly. I found myself twice walking what seemed like miles out across the sand to the water. I waded up to my knees and well past my knees honestly expecting something to happen. Nothing did and I was not at all shocked by this but at the same time I kept hoping something would....I wanted to feel something whether it be peacefulness , a calming or a great sense of joy. I looked around at the mountain tops still covered in snow, I breathed in the wonderful ocean smells and listened to the quiet gentle waves as the tide came in. It was wonderful, I tried to be thankful for all of this and but something was missing. The day itself was great, good food shared with friends, stories told, laughs shared and as a souvenir I have wonderfully painful sunburn and look like a cooked lobster. I never found what I was looking for and life has carried on. As much as we all want to run away from life from time to time I guess we eventually have to come home.

This morning I watched the funeral service for Jack Layton that I had missed yesterday. I have never heard such an inspiring memorial service. It truly has me believing that we can change this world and it be a place for all people to live free and peaceful lives. 

So now once again I am hopeful. I am thinking I missed the importance of the words in the song....it was more than being knee deep in water. Maybe it is in the words “when you lose yourself you find the key to paradise”. So I shall take Jack’s inspiring words that we can change the world, go to church and sit  in the quietness of the sanctuary, lose myself in God’s love and just be.  I realize now that finding the “key” is not going to happen in an hour, a day or a year but just maybe with love, hope and optimism I can change the way of how I live and maybe a teeny tiny bit of the world at the same time. Then hopefully the day will come when we no longer crave a sense of paradise but can be peaceful in life just as it is.

On a funny note, the song talks about how are only worries will be whether the tide will reach our chairs. Well years ago when my children were little we would spend some holiday time out on the beaches of Parksville, where I continually was worried that the tide would come in and our stuff would get wet. I would worry and fuss until my family grudgingly agreed to move our chairs in from near the water. Looking back now, how silly, wet beach items are all small stuff and hey it might have been fun to try and outrun the tide!

p.s. have returned from church....was a very political sermon due to Jack's death. Good but too political for this gal...I think next time I shall be like my friends and find God out on the trails amongst the trees!....Blessing from Linda...who is still searching....

Simple with Humility

Returning from a week’s holiday one would think I would have lots to blog about but I am not sure how one writes about a week of relaxing in the sun, sharing good food and laughter with new friends.  So instead I shall share a bit about a book I read while laying on the beach in the sun. The book is titled “Joshua” and is a parable about Jesus’ life and written by a retired Catholic priest, Joseph Girzone. It is very simply written and a good reminder of how God wants us to live. The story of is of a man, Joshua, who comes to small town, a wood worker by trade and through his conversations with the town folk he reminds the people of Jesus’ message to us “that all people are free, free to enjoy being God’s children, free to grow and become the beautiful people God intended.” He goes on to say how “real religion is in people’s hearts, not in buildings”. The story talks about churches and how some leaders try and control their congregations and rule them as if playing God, how God never intended us to worship in such a structured way. The book of course ends with some of the religious leaders who fear Joshua, calling him to counsel and after sharing his beliefs with them, Joshua, of his own choice quietly disappears.   In some ways Joshua’s wonderful connection with God and nature reminds me of the minister of the church I attend. His gentle ways, his openness to all people and their faiths and the way he lives a simple and humble life, is truly how God intended us to be.

I was very surprised to find this book, which does not show the better side of the Catholic faith, was written by a Catholic priest. He obviously lived his life under the strict structure of the Catholic Church and yet it couldn’t have been an easy time for him if he truly believes the teachings of Jesus that he has shared in his book.

The story in many ways saddened me because what he wrote of was so very true. How churches and people are so divided and how people use their power over others instead of us all living an equal life where there is food and shelter for all. Our lives should be simpler, our needs much less, but society has us all wanting more. More things for our homes, better vehicles, well just plainly, more stuff. I am as guilty as the next person. But the book also was inspiring and gave me hope. It was good to hear the goodness of us all in Jesus teachings. In my heart I know I just need to walk along the trails or sit by the ocean in solitude, in order to connect with God and enjoy all of creation.  The inner peace and freedom we all crave will not come to us through obtaining more stuff, taking more holidays, having more friends, being busier than we need to be, but it will come to us from inside. All we have to do is open our hearts and just be, surrounded by the spirit of God’s love for all. Live a simple life with humility and openness.