Pathways

          

I love this picture. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of life, of the journey we are all on, the pathways we travel. In life we never know what lies ahead. It is always a mystery. Even though we plan and prepare for each day, week and month when we awake to a new day we really have no idea exactly what will happen. There are no guarantees that our plans will unfold as we had hoped. Life is a journey, a pathway taking us into the unknown. We wonder and wait for what lies up ahead or around the next corner.

In this picture we can see the light up ahead which to me represents hope. Although things may not always go as planned, though we may have to walk through some darkness in our lives, there is always hope and light in our future.

Helplessness

Helplessness: Unable to help oneself; powerless or incompetent

It is a feeling I had never heard of for most of my life but it is one I have gotten to know and understand. It is also one I try very hard to avoid.

Growing up I am certain there were millions of times that I experienced helplessness but at that time I had no name for the feeling. It was just a sense of powerlessness, unable to protect myself from the terrible night time dreams, the spanking with the wooden spoon or belt, the teasing from other children, from life in general.  It was just part of my life.

As I became an adult and eventually a parent the feeling of helplessness was almost a constant everyday occurrence. We all want what is best for our children, we want to protect them and keep them safe, we want them to live happy fulfilling lives. When they are young we are more able to protect them than at any other time in their lives. Once they head off to school things are out of our control. We are left standing at the door, helpless to protect them from the outside world. My youngest daughter especially has struggled so much in life and I want nothing more to help her to keep her safe and protected but it is something I am not capable of doing. The bullying in middle school, the abusive boyfriends, are all things I would have liked to have stopped before they began but it was not in my control. Once our children reach young adulthood we have to let them go, allow them to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes. It isn’t that we can’t help them with advice but there is no way to choose for them and the feeling of helplessness increases.

I first heard of the word helplessness when I took a mindfulness class back in 2002 and each week we would describe how we were feeling and share our week and feelings with others. Being “mindful of how things really are” brings awareness to the underlying feelings one experiences. I have a pattern of feeling guilty over a lot of things in my life but I have learned that in most instances the underlying feeling of the guilt is helplessness. I am helpless to help my children financially and helpless to keep them safe out in the working world. I know there are many things I can do but there is so much more I would like to be able to do.

This past spring I was helping to care for a friend of mine’s Mum while they were off travelling and working abroad. I was called by the homecare in the afternoon and told that they were beginning end of life care for this wonderful woman and they asked me to contact her son. It was 11:00 p.m. where they were and thankfully before I made that call someone stopped me and said, “Don’t call now, you will just leave them lying there all night with the feeling of helplessness”. As guilty as I felt about not notifying them right away I could see the wisdom in her words. I knew there was nothing worse than that feeling of helplessness. I waited till dawn to make that call.

This coming Friday is Remembrance Day in our country. It is a day to remember all those who fought and died for our freedom, a day for us to show our respect and thankfulness to those men and woman who risked their lives to stop the evil that was happening in Europe.  We also acknowledge this day at our Sunday Service at church, a service I have normally skipped for the last 10 years.  In years prior to this there was always the service at my children’s school, the service at the Cenotaph with the Guiding and Scouting and the service at the church. I always attended and have used this as an excuse not to have to go to them any longer.

So for the past 10 years I have not attended, until this morning. I went because I was in someway “guilted” into attending. I could not explain why I didn’t like attending and why I avoid going to these services but I knew there was something I did not like about them. As the service began the guilt hit me. The guilt of not feeling I feel thankful enough for my freedom, the guilt of having such a wonderful life, to live in a country where I have enough food and water for myself and my family and so many, many wonderful things that are so unnecessary.  It didn’t take me long to recognize that familiar feeling of helplessness underlying it all. I sat there with the sense of helplessness throughout the entire service and realized this is what I try to avoid, why I stay home, why I usually “skip”.   I sat there feeling there is nothing I can do to help those whose lives are filled with violence, poverty, and war. I sat there wanting to feel more thankful, wanting the world to be at peace, wanting all children to have the lives they deserve, the food and nourishment their bodies need. I sat there with the guilt because I really just wanted to go home and pretend that the world really is a beautiful place for all.

World peace is something that we all want, we all desire but it is not in my control, I am powerless and incompetent to stop the evil that exists in today’s world and I am selfish enough to not want to step up and do something about it. I want to avoid hearing the horrors that little children suffer at the hands of others. And the guilt eats at me because I don’t feel thankful enough for all that I have because I know it is something that everyone, all people in this world deserve, just as much and if not more than I do.

The feeling of helplessness....I don’t like it much....but I guess I can’t keep avoiding it.                             I need to sit with it, be mindful of its presence and welcome it in.

                                                                       Lest We Forget

Gym, Gym and more Gym

It has been a month since I began my working out at the gym and since my personal trainer told me I was FAT.  I have faithfully been going five days a week and following her instructions...well mostly. It has been so very hard and even harder on the days when I work with her. She is one tough woman. One of the exercises I do involves standing on one leg and bending down and touching the floor with a five pound weight. Now I am a bit tippy and so regularly my foot would lightly touch the ground or I would be unable to reach the ground. As she stood their counting each up and down trip, these uncompleted trips never counted and I had to do more to make them up. Riding the bike one would think wouldn’t be too bad but not when your trainer is standing there making sure you remain standing up while riding the bike and each time you try to rest she harasses you until you once again begin pedaling. By the end of each session I felt like I was going to die. Dizzy, exhausted, heart pounding I would thankfully head out to my car where I could sit down and breathe. Lately it has been harder and harder to get up and head down there.

Today, however, was my one month check in. It went great. I was so happy to find that I had lost 5.5 pounds and approximately 3 inches. Unfortunately the three inches weren’t all off my waist but half of them were so that is not too bad. My trainer though was not even slightly excited....there was no pat on the back ....you’ve done great or wow that is awesome! What there was, was her saying “well you could have lost more weight so let’s talk about nutrition”. She obviously had forgotten that the last time we met I told her that talking about food sets me off and I usually get very grumpy when people try and tell me what to eat and how to eat healthy.  I always feel I am surrounded by health addicts and vegetarians and somehow it ends up making me feel guilty for the things I choose to eat. Today however things were different. I sat there as she showed me how to enter the foods I eat, to see the meal plans and the shopping list required to make all the suggested meals for a week. Now am I going to do this? No. Why did I sit there so politely listening to her? I knew the other option would be to go and work out in the gym with her hounding  me to keep going and frankly I decided to treat myself to just sitting comfortably in a chair listening.

I now have set another goal to lose five more pounds by Christmas which will be harder than this last month due to the fact that there are so many meals out and parties to attend to over the holiday season. So although I shall attempt to do my best I am not very hopeful that I can accomplish this. But then I honestly never thought I would become someone who goes to the gym, who has a trainer and doesn’t just throw in the towel over it all. It just goes to show you that one never knows where life will lead you. As much as I would rather be on the couch with my bag of potato chips, life seems to have me down at the gym balancing on a ball and lifting weights. But hey, at least according to my BMI I am no longer FAT!