Self Imposed Challenge Accomplished

It’s Boxing Day, a day which could be a day of rest after the hectic day of Christmas. I had planned to spend today visiting with my son and daughter in law but found out yesterday that the visit would be postponed until tomorrow. A nice day at home would be welcomed. Except last night, I felt I had been challenged.

I had a wonderful Christmas day visiting with my parents and some close friends. We shared the dinner meal together and afterwards the women visited while the two men graciously cleaned up the kitchen and did all the dishes. My friends are great outdoors people and spend every free moment out running, hiking and kayaking. Thankfully they do invite me to tag along on many occasions. Last night my friend mentioned to my parents that I was jealous of their adventure of hiking to the cross, a favourite hike of mine. He was right. I am jealous. I hope my friend realizes how blessed he is in life to be married to his soul mate, his best friend and his hiking and kayaking partner. I love to hike but unfortunately I am on my own and don’t have a hiking partner to enjoy the outdoors with. I do hike solo from time to time but in doing so have to endure lectures from family and friends on being a woman alone on the trails. Over the last few months I have tried to hike to the cross on my own but each time have turned around due to my fears, the wind in the trees, the thought of a bear, or the quietness in the woods. However after last night’s innocent comment some part of me felt challenged. Challenged to show that I don’t need him to hike to the cross with, that I am quite capable of getting there on my own...snow and all.

It was a great day to hike. I decided I could try out some of my new hiking attire and also try a mix in my water that I had been given as gifts for Christmas. After last Saturday’s hike this time I was prepared for snow on the trail. Heading up there wasn’t as much snow as I had anticipated but there were many small lakes, rushing creeks and fallen trees to make the going interesting and challenging. I followed the footprints in the snow and mud, carefully trying to advoid as much water as possible. I reached the point where the quiet stillness in the trees usually has me turning for home but I carried on singing out loud to keep myself company. I was determined to reach the cross, after all, I had a point to makeJ. Reaching the Y in the trail I decided to go the usual route, turning right even though the number of foot prints were less in this direction. At least one person though had gone this way sometime earlier in the day. It was so quiet and peaceful, there was only the sound of the water running down the path and through the little streams.



The cross surrounded by winter snow

Finally after 45 minutes I reached my destination, the cross. It was beautiful up there alone. Looking down one could only see low clouds or fog and very little of the landscape below. The quietness gave me a very deep quiet spiritual feeling and as I turned to head down the back trail I looked up at the cross and said a brief prayer to God. This time praying a somewhat selfish prayer, a prayer for myself which I don’t often do, but it was so “magical” up there I was draw to whisper out loud my “wish”.

A foggy mystical view

Heading down there was so much water that I actually had to step right into the creeks and there were places where the trail seemed to disappear from being covered by huge fallen trees. Thankfully there were the footsteps in the snow to follow. Coming down I met three different groups of folks heading up. None of them dressed as warmly as myself, one even in cloth sneakers. I must admit they had me feeling a little over dressed but better safe than sorry is my motto when hiking alone and for that reason I was taking the less steep route on return.

Where did the trail go?

Reaching the car, I felt grateful for the morning and so very thankful for my new hiking shoes. I purchased these a month ago on the advice of my very knowledgeable outdoor friends and my outdoorsy daughter. They are the best. They are comfortable, and dry. I have hiked through puddles, creeks, 4 inches of snow and not once have my feet gotten wet. Definitely the best shoes I have ever owned.

I am now home, and I must admit feeling a little silly for allowing my buttons to be pushed, but glad that I made the journey and didn’t let my fears turn me back. Life is full of fears and challenges, some very small, others huge and some self imposed but when they are met or achieved they can give one a feeling of success.

Happy Boxing Day! New Years Day coming up next and I wonder what challenges 2013 will bring..and will my whispered prayer be heard?

A Very Different Christmas

It is the night before Christmas! It’s a time of excitement and joy as we wait in anticipation for the birth of Christ and the arrival of St. Nick. Christmas has always been a very exciting time in my life, yet usually with lots of stress in the preparation of having the "perfect family holiday." This year however things are so different. I noticed weeks ago that I had no angst this year in trying to gather the children on the "right day". They are all coming at different times and on different days and I have been amazed that I am not upset by the fact that we won’t all be together on Christmas day. The gifts were bought early before my holiday, leaving just a few stocking items to pick up and that was quickly done weeks ago. It just isn't my nature to be so laid back about the holiday. Even in the planning of cooking Christmas dinner with my parents and having friends come over and share the meal with us is not causing me any stress or lack of sleep. A year or two ago it would have sent me over the top I am sure but this year somehow it all just seems so simple and I know all shall just be as it is and it will be good.

Along with the calmness of the holiday is the knowledge that I am surrounded by sadness. So many people I know, friends and acquaintances are struggling over different things in their lives. They all seem to be coping and dealing with whatever life has presented, but I seem to be so sad, grieving over all of their losses. My heart hurts for them all and once again I question why am I so blessed in my life to feel so content and happy, living in a time when my life feels perfect. I wish I could "fix" things so that everyone was feeling the Christmas joy and that we would laugh together. Life is strange and there are no answers to the whys. It is that time of year when we almost expect good things to happen but that doesn’t seem to be the case this year. There are so many losses. Losses of family, losses of friends, losses of purpose, losses of health, fears of what the future will be, it seems to be a time of grief. My tears flow daily with the sadness and the feeling of helplessness. Maybe it just comes with being part of a faith community, there is more closeness, more sharing, along with the love and compassion, there are more tears. With the tears hopefully comes healing and a sense of acceptance to whatever is to come as the new year approaches. A new year in which we can move forward in life and hopefully be able to embrace all that life has to offer us.

Tonight when I attend church as I try to contain my tears, I will think of tomorrow, the family and friends I will share the day with, the good food I will eat, the gifts we will exchange and I will be so very thankful for being blessed with such wonderful people to journey through my life with. It will be Christmas, my very favourite day of the year. Christmas, the birthday of Jesus, who came to us and taught us such valuable lessons, is also a time to grieve together, a time to laugh together and a time to be thankful for all of God’s blessings.

Solitude, Nature and Being in the Moment

It’s three days before Christmas, the gifts are all bought and wrapped, the decorations are up, so all that was left was some grocery shopping and the cleaning. Awakening this morning at 6:15 I was soon up and off to the gym, immediately followed by grocery shopping to beat the crowds. Arriving home by 8 am I began on the housecleaning, planning ahead to a day of relaxing on the couch watching Christmas movies. As I cleaned though the plans seemed to change and at 10:30 am with the house looking passable, I dressed in my hiking clothes, grabbed a snack and by 11 am headed up the Trans Canada Trail. My plan was to walk to the old Chinese Cemetery, out near where I used to live. My daughter thought it would be too far, at least 90 minutes one way but I felt a good three hour hike would be great. What I didn’t count on was the snow. The trail in amongst the trees was covered in icy crunchy snow. With every step forward I would slide a bit backwards, my hike was going to be a challenge. I continued on my way admiring the beautiful forest trees, noticing the odd brownish leave still clinging to it’s tree branch, and listening to the wonderful sound of the rushing water in the nearby creek. It was a time of solitude and a time to reflect on life and just be in the moment.

Looking ahead down the long snow packed trail

After an hour I knew it would indeed be at least another half hour to make it to my destination. I was tempted to turn back but I so wanted to see my old hiking trails and just before heading out I had received some sad news about a friend, a man who has always handled life with positivity and laughter. It made me realize how one really needs to make the most of every moment in life and not waste a precious second of it laying around doing nothing, so onward I went. Once crossing the main road I headed along trails that I haven’t walked in at least 5 years. I used to hike daily with my dog when I lived out in the country but haven’t returned since she died. It was great to see the old neighbourhood where I spent 14 years raising my children. Some things had changed, others remained the same.

 A fast running creek in amongst the moss covered trees

 

There were paw prints in the snow which years ago could have been made by our dog Sasha. I thought a lot about her and how we shared our daily journeys. We had some good times together and I could picture her running along beside me as I ventured further down the trail. Nearing the cemetery I came upon the old narrow dirt path that took me up into the trees to the top of the cemetery. It felt good to be on a trail and off the snowy packed route on which the snow had become 3 o r 4 inches deep. Finally, as my daughter had predicted 90 minutes into my hike, I had arrived at the top. It had changed so much. What used to be trails were now more like roads. My old rock that I had sat upon for 4 or more years conversing with God about my future and my children’s future was no longer there. Obviously many people must now use the trails for their quads and dirt bikes yet today I was alone in the trees. It was so peaceful to look out at the snow covered mountains and just take in the quiet and peacefulness of nature. Although there is so much hurt and sadness in our world there is also so much good, so many things to enjoy and be part of. I live in a wonderful area full of mountains, forests, oceans, lakes and rivers. There are so many adventures to enjoy, even if only for a few hours a day.

Above the cemetery looking over at the mountains.

 

I must confess heading home, I was very tired, my back was sore, along with one foot. So, after 45 minutes on the snow packed trail knowing there were another 45 minutes to go, I headed out to the roadway and quickly headed for home. I knew being on the road I would be home enjoying a warm bowl of soup within 20 minutes. As much as I missed the quiet of the trees, I can’t say that the noise and fumes of passing cars deterred my happy spirit. It could have been the desire for food that had me running down the streets not carrying that I may been seen by friends who I am sure would wonder what I was up to. My pants were damp up to almost my knees, I had a pack around my waste complete with water bottle and safety items, and I probably looked a little worse for wear but inside I was smiling not caring what people saw or thought.

It’s been a great day and I am so thankful that I decided to get outdoors and enjoy some solitude instead of sitting here staring at a black box all day. Life is too short, too precious to waste, we need to enjoy every minute of it and be present. Don’t waste time looking back, don’t worry about tomorrow, just make the most of today, sometimes that’s all we have.

"Sister Weekend"

Ten years after our last “sister weekend” my sister and I were finally able to escape life and have a weekend together on Gabriola to celebrate my 50th. It was a good time which I must say made even better by the fact that I was able to win every game of cards except the very last one. Luck was certainly on my side. My sister gave me beautiful “sister” rings for a gift which I truly love and will treasure. Our birthstones side by side, well I shall wear hers a little above mine but only out of respect as she is the oldest.


Our birthstones

 

We spent the weekend just being together, hiking the trails, checking out the beaches, sometimes in sunshine and sometimes in wind and rain storms. We went to some of my favourite places and others that I had never been to before and we were awed by nature's beauty.

A new view from my favourite park in the sunshine

 Mostly though we hung out at my friends’ cabin and stayed warm with a nice fire in the woodstove. Meals were simple, chatter constant and laughter often. We slept side by side just like in the old days when we would be out camping except this time there was only laughter and no arguing what so ever. Now we just tease each other and thankfully laugh. It is amazing how the years have changed us in many different ways and yet who we are inside remains the same. The things I did that annoyed her years ago, still do and the things I purposely do to annoy her remain the same. It is one of the many joys that come with knowing someone for a lifetime. She knows to let me always lead the way down the trails, it is futile for her to even try and even get in front really. I know to let her have at least 10 minutes at each new "find" to get the right photo although I can’t say I have become any more patient in waiting over the years.

Getting the "perfect" shot in amongst the wind and rain

 

Of course there are always new things to learn about each other, new things that make us laugh and new fears that we face. Our life styles are different in some ways, we are at different places in our lives and yet as we grow older together we have an understanding of each other that goes back to our birth. Well I guess my birth because as I said .... she is older.

My sister and friend, Dar

 

Thank you for being a wonderful sister and for a great weekend Dar, we'll do it again soon ... I love you.

L

 

Birthday Blessings

Today I turned 50! It has been an amazing weekend with family and friends. There has been so much celebration but among it,  time for reflection. Over these past few years I have often been surprised and shocked at the love and care I receive from my many friends and this weekend was no exception.

Growing up I had many friends in my younger years. I have to confess that up to about age 10 I was the “leader of the pack”. As I aged though, my self confidence lessened and along with it the number of my friends. I kept more and more to myself, was afraid to speak to people so that by the time I graduated my only close friend was my boyfriend and I stuck to him like glue. As I entered married life and had children of my own I slowly began to make new friends, some of my children’s friends’ parents and others at the church I joined. I slowly began to lose my shyness and gain some self confidence. I remember how shocked I was ten years ago when I walked into a surprise 40^th birthday party they had for me and I saw all these women from different areas of my life, all together with me to celebrate my special day.

This last decade has been a time of much change in my life and through it all I have gained even more friends and they have supported me in so many ways. Always I end up asking myself, why?  I can’t even begin to tell you all the things people have done for me and all the wonderful gifts and acts of kindness I have received over the years. What have I ever done to deserve such kindness and love. I honestly never can come up with an answer.

As I look at all my lovely birthday cards from folks, the words on them are so beautiful.

“There are so few people in the world like you; you deserve to know how special you are”

“Our friendship was meant to be, I can’t imagine not having you in my life”

I ask myself again what have I done to deserve all this? However, tonight as I sat singing during a Taize service I realized something. It doesn’t matter that I have no answers to the why...I will probably never understand it. What I do realize is that I just need to open my heart and accept it. The understanding isn’t necessary. I just have to let the love and care in and be grateful that I am so very blessed in this life to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Life is full of mysteries and sometimes not having the answers is okay.

So the forties are gone, the fifties have arrived. I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever felt more at peace with who I am and what I am doing in my life than I do tonight. I have everything I could ever want and more. I am full of energy and plan to make this next decade the best. I hope to make a difference to others in this world, one small step at a time. I have no idea how I will do that, but I am hopeful that I can make a difference to someone else even if it is just one person. I hope that whatever it is that I have done to deserve such a wonderful life complete with caring friends and family, that I will do it again a hundred times more in the years ahead. It’s time to pass it forward.

Thank you all, and thank you God for all of my life’s blessings.

So as another card I received today says,

“From tears and laughter with no room for regrets...and a smile that says    “You ain’t seen nothing yet!””

"A one night stand" along with "sex in a pan"
Yes I do say...the fifties are gonna be grand!

Lost in the Beauty

What a weekend....I travelled to Gabriola Island with a friend to spend the weekend in our friends’ cabin and to do some much desired hiking. There are many trails and pathways on Gabriola and we couldn’t wait to get started. The weather however was not that great....lots of rain and some wind but we had both purchased new hiking boots that were to be waterproof. .we were prepared.

My favourite rock being attacked by the waves in the stormy wind.

So Saturday morning after a great breakfast we headed out with the plan to hike the trail to the third turnoff to the beach and then head down and spend the morning on the beach before coming back up for lunch. The beauty that surrounded us was amazing. The maples were all in colour and the leaves were piled high along the trail. The many shades of yellows oranges and reds were so breath taking. Well in no time we had reached the third turn off...according to my friend I have only one speed and that it is pretty fast. She wanted to go further so we carried on along the same trail.

Amazing leaf colours covering the pathways

 After a bit of walking on this trail which is like a narrow roadway I saw a narrow trail and thought we should do some exploring so we decided to take it. I mean the trails in this area seemed to be on a grid so sooner or later I felt we would come to another spot to go left down to the beach. We followed along this trail which turned into a bit of a small dried creek bed. After spending some time on the trail we realized we were heading towards the roadway, not the beach so decided to take a left and head down another smaller trail. By now we are really bushwacking....climbing over fallen trees, going around other larger ones and weaving our way downward. We even startled a lovely deer that quickly flew through the forest and away from us. The rain becomes heavier and the ferns are thick and high and now we are soaked with really no idea where we are. Yet we were still having fun. Eventually I realize there are no sounds. No road traffic, no ocean waves I think this is enough, I am getting a bit scared. If we don’t come out at the beach we will have to back track so before we spend any more time going in the wrong direction we decided to head back towards the road. Finally we can see cars going by so we head in that direction, climb over one more large stump and head down the road. After walking along the road way we eventually found another entrance to the trail and we headed for home...the beach could wait.  I was so surprised heading home when we came to a Y in the trail and my friend said to go one way and I wanted to go the other way. She was right and somehow I had gotten myself turned around and had the ocean on my left instead of my right....it was a very strange sensation to get my head around the idea that we were going in the direction of home. I really need to get a compass I think and learn how  to use one.

Once back home we got into some dry clothes, enjoyed a wonderful warm lunch of soup and and sandwiches and then guess what...yes we headed out once again. This time we hopped in the car and drove to a spot where I had walked with my friends. I couldn’t find the exact entrance that we had used but there were many. This area is not dense forest and has nice pathways all marked with signage and names. It was a good place to walk seeing as we were in our last pair of dry jeans...I had thought we wouldn’t get wet. So we headed up the trail and continued to check the maps posted on top of the road posts. It was great. Then we needed to find the path called the "Path to Nowhere" We came to a path with no name on it but I felt it was where we needed to go. By now the rain has picked up and the wind is blowing and I think this will be the shortest way back to the car. So off we went. Within ten minutes we were in forested trails, ferns higher than our waists on a trail that twists and turns all over the place but we carried on.



Cathy still smiling while being lost amongst the tall wet ferns

After about 20 minutes we began to wonder if we would ever reach the connecting trail to our car. There are no posts, the trail we are on is really no more than an animal trail and it is heavily treed and not open like the road like trails we headed out on. But we also know we have made so many twists and turns that heading back the way we came could be quite impossible.  I am soaked...my jeans are heavy and I am getting cold. We have joked that this trail actually could be the trail to now where but we try to remain hopeful. I was starting to despair and ready to give up, picturing us wandering around and around in circles for hours getting now where. I thought of my friends who hike all over the place always with a very handy safety device called SPOT that will locate them if they become lost, which they never seem to be. I was thinking that I should have the SPOT with me however I knew that the park we were in was small, that there are many roadway entrances and we would eventually find one. My concern was when...how much longer til we could get dry and warm again.

More pretty leaves floating in the puddles

Finally when I had reached the stage of praying to God to help guide us, up ahead I could see the trees were smaller and thinning...yes thankfully there was a main trail with sign posts. We headed up the new trail, away from the car but at least on a path that we felt would connect us to the way we came in .Which it eventually did and two hours from the time we headed out we were back home in the safety of the warm cabin where we stayed put for the rest of the night.

In the morning we headed back down to the beach taking the shortest way possible. We didn’t need anymore adventures for this weekend.  As we reached the beach it was so calm. There was no rain, the water was no longer bashing up on the shoreline. I looked right and could see the stormy skies clearing and the lighter blue sky coming our way.

Storm cloud clearing, blue skies coming our way

As I looked left I could see the devastation of the nights wind and rain. There on the shore were two washed up tug boats. We see the tugboats going by regularly hauling their cargo to faraway places but here were two, obviously abandoned and waiting for the next high tide to lift them back out into the waters.

Two washed ashore tugboats waiting for the next high tide

 

So our wet hiking weekend has come to an end and the best thing...through it all, the puddles, the swamps, the wet ferns, I got soaked but you know what....my feet stayed perfectly dry in my new boots. 

My new boots still nice and dry!

I am not sure what new adventure I will next try but I do know that in two weeks I will be back on Gabriola, hiking with my sister and yes...I am definitely sticking to the trails I know!

Life and crunchy peaches

Last week I had some friends over for dinner. I am not a cook and I do not entertain often because I get so nervous that the food won’t turn out or something else will go wrong. Now preparing a dinner for these particular friends has an added complication due to the fact that they are vegan and I certainly am not. Last month’s dinner didn’t go too badly, I managed to cook up some mushrooms and some form of non meat chicken...whatever that is.   So this month I decided to take the easy route and do frozen pizza. How simple eh. I had no idea what to do for dessert and another friend suggested peaches. So I went and bought some the day before the dinner and without thinking I put them in the fridge where of course they wouldn’t ripen. To make matters worse the afternoon before the dinner did not go well so I didn’t bake or create anything with them as I had planned. As I cut up the peaches they were hard and crisp and I realized I hadn’t given the peaches the time or the atmosphere to mature into their ripened state and they were certainly not going to be their best. Following dinner, with not other ideas or options, I served my guests the peaches with a small bit of ice-cream.  They were good people and ate the hard, crunchy, non flavourful fruit with very little complaint. I must say there was the odd funny comment from one of them who didn’t really believe they could possibly even be peaches but it gave us all a laugh. Now a week later I have eaten the last two peaches, which I had left out to nicely ripen. They were so good, full of sweet flavourful juice. They were at that stage where they were their very best.

It got me to thinking about life and wondering, are we like those peaches?  As we journey through life are we ripening?  When we are younger we have so much to learn, are sometimes less confident and spend our time wondering what we should do with our lives. As we age we become more comfortable with whom we are and we seem to know what we want from life and what is right for us. We finally feel comfortable in our own skin and are more accepting to who we are and spend less time being concerned about what others may think. We are middle aged and beyond and we are at our best.   So it has me wondering. Is that what this life here on earth is all about? We start off like a small bloom, and grow into a lovely fruit.  When we leave home we have been “picked” to journey onward on our own. With care and love and warmth we will ripen and grow into the people we were meant to be and know we are loved for who we are. We are full of flavour, mature and at our very best. Later in life our bodies will start to fail us, like peaches left too long. As our bodies decline and prepare to return to the earth, I don’t believe our soul, the part of us that makes us who we are, will ever lose it's sweet, juicy flavourful self, it is ripened and ready for the next stage of our journey whatever that may be.

Hmmm, something to think more about. As I head towards turning 50 I hope I have reached that ripened state and have left behind my hard, crunchy unsure self. :)

It's a whole new world

I have been to Gabriola three or four times now over this past two years. The first time, I came in the summer and spent the day here visiting friends who have a cabin overlooking the ocean. We went to the Saturday market and they drove me around the island giving me a glimpse of what was here and then we shared a lovely dinner on their deck. Since that first visit I have come over twice on my own or with a friend and spent the weekend at their cabin, once in the early spring and once in the fall. I spent time exploring all the island trails but mostly stayed warm, meditating and reading in front of the cabin fire.

I am now here for an overnight stay on my own in the middle of summertime on a long weekend. Let me tell you....it's whole new world here on Gabriola in the summer. Upon my arrival I noticed all the people, many riding bikes along the road side. I arrived at the cabin and quickly unpacked my car and was on the deck eating my lunch within minutes. There was no wood to chop, no fire to light just the good sun shining down upon me bringing its natural warmth. When I come in the spring or fall I rarely see anyone about but this time I knew would be different as both neighbours were having their families over. Still it was nice and peaceful on the deck as I ate my lunch. However upon viewing the one trailer, two tent trailers, one tent and five cars next door I did not expect the quiet to continue throughout the day.

After lunch I decided to go check out the beach. Normally I would hike down there, sit in almost solitude and enjoy the peaceful sounds of the waves as they hit the beach. Today however not knowing what to expect I decided to drive down geared with swimsuit, towel, chair, a drink and reading material. As I parked my car along next to the other 21 vehicles I was thankful I had driven.  I walked along the trail and passed six bikes and a scooter and mentally prepared myself for a packed beach. I must say there were 50-75 people on the beach along with approximately 10 dogs. However it was nice and restful hearing all their chatter and laughter and I managed to go for a couple of swims.

90 minutes later I returned to the cabin and took my second shower of the day, removing all the sea salt from my skin and well, I had a nap. Following dinner as much as I was tempted to continue to be lazy on the deck I did not want to waste my time sitting around so I headed off for a hike. Now preparing to hike I realized I did not need the usua jacket, thankfully as I didn't even pack one, I did not need warm pants or a rain hat, so feeling rather lightly loaded I headed off in my tank top and shorts taking only a water bottle along just in case. 


Beautiful daisies along the trail


The trails were dead quiet. There were no people walking with their dogs only the silence of the forest. I could hear what I hoped were little birds rattling in the bushes as I passed by. The scenes were totally different from what I was used to. Where there usually was short green moist grass there was long dry grasses, where I used to jump around puddles there was dried hard dirt. There were flowers blooming along the way. The whole place looked different. I was a bit concerned on whether I would find my way. I had decided to take the upper trail and then head back down to the beach further along but totally missed the first turnoff, as nothing looked as it had in the fall. I then reached my favourite place in the fall....which I quickly decided, is not my favourite place in the summer. It is all dried up and brown. Eventually I came to the next turn off and headed down and back towards the ocean. Upon approaching the beach I found, what I have decided is my favourite summer spot. In the winter it is flooded and one has to hop from little log to little log to avoid stepping in the marshy grasses. In the summer, one can walk through the grasses stepping over the logs and the view. It is beautiful with the ocean peeking through the trees.

My favourite summer place


The tide was now in and there was no one in site at first glance. Soon however down they came...adults loaded with towels for their evening swim. I rested for 15 minutes enjoying the sounds of the waves hitting the shore. On my way up I passed a few more adults on their way down. Obviously they preferred the cool evening waters and the quiet beaches over the sand, children and dogs of the afternoon.
Upon returning to the cabin I took my third shower of the day, as it has become very muggy outside and well I needed a shower and a cold one at that. The neighbours to the left all seem to be back and it was kinda like being in a campsite...lots of laughter and chatter as they sat around in a circle enjoying each other’s company. I sat out on the deck, in my pajamas enjoying the night air enjoying reading a book. Eventually I went to bed but had to keep getting up as the moon was quite full and its light reflecting off the water was so wonderful to see. Five hours later I must admit I was up again watching the colours of the sky change as the sun slowly rose. It was an amazing site with beautiful oranges and reds.


Sunrise

 I am just so amazed at the difference in the island life from one season to the next. They all their good points and their downsides and I am not sure which one I prefer but am leaning towards fall. I love the warmth of a fire, rather than the heat of the sun and the quietness of the beaches in the fall give me lots of space for reflection. However I have to admit it was nice to be able to go swimming in the ocean and sit out on the deck and enjoy the beautiful view.
 
I am so very thankful to be able to go to Gabriola and see all the many differences of the seasons on the island...it truly is like coming to a whole new world and exploring somewhat familiar territories with new eyes and thankfulness for all that God provides for us on this earth. (And I am also very thankful for such generous friends who are willing to share their island paradise)

Car decals

Last year my youngest daughter decorated the back window of her vehicle with the members of her household....not of all her family but of those she lives with. She had herself, her partner, his cat, her fish and has now added two rabbits. I think it is so cool. Now when I drive or walk around town I can’t help but notice the decals...it is amazing to me all the children and pets some folks have.

I myself am not one to put stickers on my car but I love these family decals. It makes me believe that in this world of violence, crime and wars there is still so much love. The people that place these decals on their cars are proud of the people in their home and are placing the stickers on their vehicles with love.

I once lived in a household with two adults, three children, two cats, a dog and a rabbit. It would be so cool to place all these stickers on my window but my life has since changed. My children are all adults and have moved out, the pets have all passed on except for one and I moved out on my own many years ago.  So here is my problem. I love the decals. I want to put them on my car, but I live alone with a fish.  I have a fairly large family, I have loads of wonderful loving friends but the fact is I live alone with a fish. It is all basically by choice but I am too embarrassed to only put myself and a fish on the back of my car for all to see and I am not sure why. I feel it might make me look unlovable and although I used to feel that way at times, I certainly don’t now.

A friend of mine wrote a wonderful blog about humility and being humble and it has given me lots to think about.  I guess I need to be humble about who I am and face the fact that I live alone with a fish. I always seem to have so much pride. It has gotten me into so much trouble and in some cases caused me a lot of pain. Hopefully these past experiences have taught me something. Yet, I am not sure what I will do....swallow my pride and get the two decals, go and buy a dog so I have at least three decals, or just drive around envious of all those out there with their back windows full.

In a few months I will celebrate my birthday and move into the next decade. I would like to think that it will bring great change in myself and that I will be a wiser, better and more humble person. I mean really my life is more than half over, it is time to “grow up”.  Its not that I walk around being boastful about myself, nor do I think I am this great wonderful person, but the thought of having only myself and a fish on the back of my window does somehow bring embarrassment to me.

So the question is....will I do it? Will I be brave enough? And most importantly can I be humble enough to let every who sees me in my car know that , well....I live alone with a fish?

An Evening on the Water

This past weekend I was very fortunate to be taken out kayaking. I haven't been for quite a few years but certainly love being out on the water. In the past when I have gone I have rented a kayak from a local company and just showed up at the appointed time at the beach, hopped in and taken off. This time I was going with friends who were allowing me to use their extra kayak, so things were a little different. I was fascinated by the prep that goes into not only loading the kayaks but also having all the correct equipment for paddling and safety. These two paddle frequently so they have the routine down and seem to be very organized. Of course adding the extra kayak, added not only another boat, but another vehicle and more equipment. However they managed to do it all without complaint as I stood by and observed and we were soon down at the beach unloading.

The weather was perfect, sunny but with a few clouds to keep the air cool. Once in the kayak and out from the beach I realized I had forgotten how tippy kayaks were and quickly learned that it was best to just sit still and stay put. I paddled off and did my best to keep up with my skilled paddling buddies. At one point we were paddling along with one person way up ahead (obviously I wasn't going fast enough) and the other keeping me company at my slower pace. All of a sudden in front of my boat the dark water bubbled and moved, letting me know that there was something under there and I was about to go over top of it. I tried not to freak out too much but I must admit my paddle came out of the water and my body braced for whatever creature was about to "get me" Thankfully my friend told me not to worry it was just a seal and yes, after I passed over, his little head popped up behind me and all was well. Don't think I would want to run into any larger undersea creature...the seal was enough for me!

Whenever I am out on the water or even on the beaches I can't help but feel the presence of God. There is some connection with creation when I am near the oceans. As I was paddling along I felt deeply connected with the Creator. My spirits were lifted and there was a peacefulness. Once reaching the far point we turned back and were now facing the wind. It was so cool. I love the feel of a breeze on my face and the small little waves made for a more interesting ride. As we paddled back the sky was growing darker with clouds and the wind was picking up. Then right up ahead the most beautiful colourful rainbow appeared. It was so amazing and another lighter one formed behind it and off to the left we could see the other half of the rainbow. As I sat there absorbing all that my eyes were seeing I felt so thankful to be part of this glorious world, to have such caring friends to share it with, and for life itself. God and creation is all so amazing, it just boggles my mind really. I could have sat there for hours watching the colours brighten and then dim but unfortunately we were still some ways away from the shore and the paddle continued.

I must admit as we went around the last point, the shoreline looked a long ways off and I was feeling rather tired. My buddy was determined to keep me closer to shore and I felt I was being herded like a sheep but I suppose it was for my own good as the water was calmer and I could paddle at a quicker pace. Still, having someone come very close to you with their kayak can be a bit disturbing and the temptation to use my paddle as a water scoop was hard to resist. In fact if I hadn't been so concerned about tipping into the cold water I may have given him a good dosing!

I did manage to reach the shore and slowly unfold my body out of the kayak. I can't say it made a pretty picture as my body was a bit stiff from sitting in the same position for almost three hours but the adventure was so worthwhile.

So as always, I am thankful for all that God has given us on this earth, the ocean waters, the sea creatures, the colourful rainbows that remind us to be hopeful but most of all I am thankful for all the kind caring people I have in my life who invite me to join them on many adventures either out on the ocean, climbing the mountain or evenings out. I am so very blessed.

Invisible Strings

Friendships, they come in many shapes and forms but to me the deepest and truest friendships are the ones that are connected by invisible strings. It doesn’t matter if you see the person daily or if they live far away but if it is a true loving friendship you will always feel connected.

There is a children’s book called “Invisible strings” written by Patrice Karst. In this book a mother shares with her children how she is always with them even when they can’t see her because they are connected by invisible strings. I love this book because I believe it to be true. The people that we love and care about are always with us in our hearts, and in our thoughts. We feel their love and care and return that love to them even when we are apart . We are, connected by invisible strings.

An “Invisible string” friend to me is someone who you can open your heart to, be honest with and be whoever you are, knowing and trusting that they will not judge you but just love and accept you. It has taken me a long time to be able to have that kind of relationship. A person who I can tell my secrets to, act silly with, cry in front of and not worry later what they think. Friends who are there for each other, through both the hard and good times. Many people have had these deep friendships their whole lives but for me it has taken time to be able to trust.

Over these past few years I have developed a few of these trusting friendships and they mean the world to me. Most of them I see weekly if not daily and we have a very special bond. With two of them, life will soon shift and our daily connection will cease, but I know we will still be in touch, spend time together and always be connected, even when they travel afar.  We are connected by invisible strings.

I am very thankful that I live in the same town as my three children. We don’t see each other each day or even each week but we always have some type of communication or connection. In today’s world it is so easy to be in daily communication via email, cell phone, facebook, etc.  We don’t have to be face to face to share adventures together. They know they can reach me pretty much 24/7 and although I may not hear from them or contact them for days or weeks at a time, we are always connected by invisible strings.

So at the end of this week when my co-workers and trusted friends retire I will not be saying good bye to them. I am going to miss them but I know we have a deep heartfelt friendship that will carry on and even when apart we will always be connected. If I don’t hear from them for a while, well, I shall just give that "invisible string" a tug and I know they will feel it and we will share in that same caring connection that we have had for these past nine years.

Invisible strings, they are the best, they keep us connected to those who we deeply care about and love.

                                                       D & J my "invisible string" friends

Decisions #2

Over these past three years I have had to make the same decision over and over again. The first time, it seemed simple to make a choice; the second time was much more difficult. I weighed the choices, prayed a lot and made the same decision again. When I was faced with the same decision a third time I began to think that maybe this was God calling me to do something different with my life.

Lately I have thought a lot about how people feel they are being called by God to do something. Some say it is a feeling, others call it a nudge but they all seem to say that to follow the nudging isn’t usually easy and takes courage.  I on the other hand always have waited for the same “nudge” to come three times. If things seem to fall into place three times then I feel it is God calling me to do something about it. I guess I am either slow or stubborn but maybe it is just uncertainty.  I need to be totally certain that it is the right thing to do, whether that comes from being afraid of making a mistake, or my usual fear of change, I am not sure.

Now four months later, I am being faced with the same decision but this time things are different. I know this time it isn’t a nudging from God. I know this because the decision has only once again risen because of my error.  Some might call it “an unskilful action” but either way this choice I made hurt someone else badly. So now I am in a difficult spot. I am being very strongly encouraged, although I almost feel I am being forced, into choosing a different path this time around. It scares me, and it will probably cause me to upset other friends.  As I was struggling with this over the last couple of days a wise friend blogged about how we can find respite in nature. All my life, when struggling, I have looked to find the answers and that wonderful feeling of calm by being outdoors...either down by the beach or on the trails in the woods. After reading his blog I knew I needed to get outside and up the mountain, so off I went.

Up there on the hillside (due to wind I didn’t make it to the top) I sat looking out over the valley and I asked for forgiveness for the pain I have caused. I asked for the wisdom to make the right choice and the courage it may take.  I’m not sure I still have the answer but I do have a plan. This time around though I am going to try and look at the plan the whole way through to try and foresee the outcome of my decision. I don’t want to hurt others, I want to do what is right for everyone involved, including myself and I have to make a decision that is financially responsible.

Up on the mountain, it all seemed so simple, I left with a plan but down here in the valley the uncertainty rises once again. I don’t have any more time. If I am going to try and implement “the plan” I need to begin tomorrow. So God, I’m not good with feelings, I don’t feel your nudging strong enough so please, could you just hit me over the head before tomorrow and let me know which path to take. I’d really appreciate your guidance, thanks.

L

p.s.  As I went to post this blog I read my last posting...also on decisions. In reading it I remember how last time I didn’t really make a decision and hoped that no one was hurt. Well they were, so I guess action is better than leaving the decision to chance.

Decisions

I have never been very good at making decisions or making up my mind about what I want in life. Keeping things the same is easy, making changes never is but neither come with guarantees. In life there are no guarantees that you will be happy, that things will continue to carry on and life will be great.

I have been thinking about some things in my life this past month or so but never really making any moves towards making a decision. Time is running out. If I want things to change I need to do it very soon. So today I thought I better really get moving on this and so who better to ask for guidance but God. Now where to find God was the next step.

I laughed as I thought of the differences between the two people who offer me guidance in life. One says I need to mediate daily for at least 20 minutes to help me reflect on life, the other one believes movement out in nature brings you closer to God.  So there I was another decision to make in order to try and make some decisions.  Part of me was pulled towards climbing up the mountain to the cross, always a comforting place for me, another idea was to head to the beach, my old decision making place and  the other idea was to mediate, something I used to do daily but have not really practiced faithfully in 7 years.

Well the weather wasn’t great, my “rescue” people were probably out of town so the hike to the cross idea was dismissed.  The ocean beach, well it is not as close, the gas tank is low so forget that idea and besides it is very windy out. So I decided to go for a walk/run around the neighbourhood and try the “out in nature idea”. It went well but no decision was made as I returned home so I decided to mediate for 20 minutes, and after 15 very restless minutes I gave that up as there still was nothing.

My two attempts at getting close to God for an answer have me laughing at myself. I know I don’t need to do any of these things, that God is always right here within and around me. So you know what? I decided I don’t have to make any decisions. Whatever is meant to be will happen.  I shall just trust God to know what is best and well if in four months from now I am kicking myself, it won’t be because I made a wrong choice, it will be for just letting things be and not paying attention to what God called me to do.

So after spending the afternoon contemplating what decision to make, which pathway to take, I am going to do what I always do and well, do nothing and pray that it all turns out well for everyone involved. Hopefully this way no one will be hurt, everyone, including myself will feel useful and fulfilled, and life will be good.

Now for a movie, popcorn and an ice-cream float...so much better than decision making!

One of the Greatest Gifts

These last few months have been very busy in my life, so many decisions, so many changes coming up and so much planning. Through it all I have almost been amazed at myself and how I have pretty much kept it together. I don’t worry and fret as much as I did years ago and part of that I believe comes from acceptance.

For the last few months I have been meeting with a spiritual director and talking a lot about my life and faith. And when I say talking a lot I mean talking a lot...the poor guy can hardly get a word in but during the times when I have allowed him to speak I have truly listened and learned a lot.

It’s hard to understand life and why things happen the way they do. For me it became even harder when you throw God into the mix of it all. Since adulthood, I have never believed God to be that old man that lives in heaven who controls everything in life. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I really have no description of God so I think of God as creation. God is in everything, everyone and all around us.

Where I get stuck of course is on the “whys” of life. Why do bad things happen to good people especially children. Yes it brings us personal growth and if life was all good it would be rather boring around here. God has given us freedom of choice and therefore we, being human, make mistakes, but it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow.  It has taken me some time but I think I finally get it. If we had all grown up in a perfect world making all the right choices none of us would grow....we would all be like flat cartoon people walking around being polite to one another. This has allowed me to believe that even when bad things happen to us, God still loves us. Even though God does not stop the awful things from happening to people it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love us. With help from my spiritual director I now try to look at God as a loving a parent who wants what is best for us and therefore must let us make our own choices so that we can grow and learn.

It is rather hard to explain really but after spending so much time thinking about this it has brought me to a place of wholeness. I finally feel whole and complete. I think it has come from finally having acceptance of who I am and my life. It doesn’t matter that I have faults, we all do, it doesn’t matter that I have made some wrong choices in life but what does matter is that I like who I am. I feel good about myself and it has all come from acceptance. I think acceptance of our lives and of who we are is one of the greatest gifs we can give to ourselves. God loves all of us just as we are and we all need to love ourselves just as unconditionally as God does. It certainly does give one a good feeling, inside and out. J

So this is who I am....a woman in her 50th  year, aging body, greying hair, and still not really sure of who she wants to be when she grows up....and you know what....it is all good, certainly far from perfect...but that's okay.