Decisions

I have never been very good at making decisions or making up my mind about what I want in life. Keeping things the same is easy, making changes never is but neither come with guarantees. In life there are no guarantees that you will be happy, that things will continue to carry on and life will be great.

I have been thinking about some things in my life this past month or so but never really making any moves towards making a decision. Time is running out. If I want things to change I need to do it very soon. So today I thought I better really get moving on this and so who better to ask for guidance but God. Now where to find God was the next step.

I laughed as I thought of the differences between the two people who offer me guidance in life. One says I need to mediate daily for at least 20 minutes to help me reflect on life, the other one believes movement out in nature brings you closer to God.  So there I was another decision to make in order to try and make some decisions.  Part of me was pulled towards climbing up the mountain to the cross, always a comforting place for me, another idea was to head to the beach, my old decision making place and  the other idea was to mediate, something I used to do daily but have not really practiced faithfully in 7 years.

Well the weather wasn’t great, my “rescue” people were probably out of town so the hike to the cross idea was dismissed.  The ocean beach, well it is not as close, the gas tank is low so forget that idea and besides it is very windy out. So I decided to go for a walk/run around the neighbourhood and try the “out in nature idea”. It went well but no decision was made as I returned home so I decided to mediate for 20 minutes, and after 15 very restless minutes I gave that up as there still was nothing.

My two attempts at getting close to God for an answer have me laughing at myself. I know I don’t need to do any of these things, that God is always right here within and around me. So you know what? I decided I don’t have to make any decisions. Whatever is meant to be will happen.  I shall just trust God to know what is best and well if in four months from now I am kicking myself, it won’t be because I made a wrong choice, it will be for just letting things be and not paying attention to what God called me to do.

So after spending the afternoon contemplating what decision to make, which pathway to take, I am going to do what I always do and well, do nothing and pray that it all turns out well for everyone involved. Hopefully this way no one will be hurt, everyone, including myself will feel useful and fulfilled, and life will be good.

Now for a movie, popcorn and an ice-cream float...so much better than decision making!

One of the Greatest Gifts

These last few months have been very busy in my life, so many decisions, so many changes coming up and so much planning. Through it all I have almost been amazed at myself and how I have pretty much kept it together. I don’t worry and fret as much as I did years ago and part of that I believe comes from acceptance.

For the last few months I have been meeting with a spiritual director and talking a lot about my life and faith. And when I say talking a lot I mean talking a lot...the poor guy can hardly get a word in but during the times when I have allowed him to speak I have truly listened and learned a lot.

It’s hard to understand life and why things happen the way they do. For me it became even harder when you throw God into the mix of it all. Since adulthood, I have never believed God to be that old man that lives in heaven who controls everything in life. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I really have no description of God so I think of God as creation. God is in everything, everyone and all around us.

Where I get stuck of course is on the “whys” of life. Why do bad things happen to good people especially children. Yes it brings us personal growth and if life was all good it would be rather boring around here. God has given us freedom of choice and therefore we, being human, make mistakes, but it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow.  It has taken me some time but I think I finally get it. If we had all grown up in a perfect world making all the right choices none of us would grow....we would all be like flat cartoon people walking around being polite to one another. This has allowed me to believe that even when bad things happen to us, God still loves us. Even though God does not stop the awful things from happening to people it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love us. With help from my spiritual director I now try to look at God as a loving a parent who wants what is best for us and therefore must let us make our own choices so that we can grow and learn.

It is rather hard to explain really but after spending so much time thinking about this it has brought me to a place of wholeness. I finally feel whole and complete. I think it has come from finally having acceptance of who I am and my life. It doesn’t matter that I have faults, we all do, it doesn’t matter that I have made some wrong choices in life but what does matter is that I like who I am. I feel good about myself and it has all come from acceptance. I think acceptance of our lives and of who we are is one of the greatest gifs we can give to ourselves. God loves all of us just as we are and we all need to love ourselves just as unconditionally as God does. It certainly does give one a good feeling, inside and out. J

So this is who I am....a woman in her 50th  year, aging body, greying hair, and still not really sure of who she wants to be when she grows up....and you know what....it is all good, certainly far from perfect...but that's okay.

The MOON

I have always been drawn to the moon so much so that years ago I had my daughter paint me a picture of a woman with her arms extended upwards to a beautiful full moon in the dark night sky. It hangs in my bedroom where I can view it each night. Tonight the moon was full and said to be 14X brighter and closer to earth than usual. So of course out I went to seek the moon. It was brilliant, huge and bright as it came into view. I am not really sure what draws me to the full moon, the light that it brings on a dark night, the brilliant yellow glow that comes off of it or the face that is always looking down upon me. Somehow though when I sit and admire it’s beauty I feel spiritually filled. I feel closer to God when I see the moon even more so than a colourful sunrise or sunset. It reminds me of the beauty of all that God created and how wonderful this world is. Maybe that is why I am drawn to seek out the moon, because it brings me a sense of peace and fulfilment and a feeling of happiness