Invisible Strings

Friendships, they come in many shapes and forms but to me the deepest and truest friendships are the ones that are connected by invisible strings. It doesn’t matter if you see the person daily or if they live far away but if it is a true loving friendship you will always feel connected.

There is a children’s book called “Invisible strings” written by Patrice Karst. In this book a mother shares with her children how she is always with them even when they can’t see her because they are connected by invisible strings. I love this book because I believe it to be true. The people that we love and care about are always with us in our hearts, and in our thoughts. We feel their love and care and return that love to them even when we are apart . We are, connected by invisible strings.

An “Invisible string” friend to me is someone who you can open your heart to, be honest with and be whoever you are, knowing and trusting that they will not judge you but just love and accept you. It has taken me a long time to be able to have that kind of relationship. A person who I can tell my secrets to, act silly with, cry in front of and not worry later what they think. Friends who are there for each other, through both the hard and good times. Many people have had these deep friendships their whole lives but for me it has taken time to be able to trust.

Over these past few years I have developed a few of these trusting friendships and they mean the world to me. Most of them I see weekly if not daily and we have a very special bond. With two of them, life will soon shift and our daily connection will cease, but I know we will still be in touch, spend time together and always be connected, even when they travel afar.  We are connected by invisible strings.

I am very thankful that I live in the same town as my three children. We don’t see each other each day or even each week but we always have some type of communication or connection. In today’s world it is so easy to be in daily communication via email, cell phone, facebook, etc.  We don’t have to be face to face to share adventures together. They know they can reach me pretty much 24/7 and although I may not hear from them or contact them for days or weeks at a time, we are always connected by invisible strings.

So at the end of this week when my co-workers and trusted friends retire I will not be saying good bye to them. I am going to miss them but I know we have a deep heartfelt friendship that will carry on and even when apart we will always be connected. If I don’t hear from them for a while, well, I shall just give that "invisible string" a tug and I know they will feel it and we will share in that same caring connection that we have had for these past nine years.

Invisible strings, they are the best, they keep us connected to those who we deeply care about and love.

                                                       D & J my "invisible string" friends

Decisions #2

Over these past three years I have had to make the same decision over and over again. The first time, it seemed simple to make a choice; the second time was much more difficult. I weighed the choices, prayed a lot and made the same decision again. When I was faced with the same decision a third time I began to think that maybe this was God calling me to do something different with my life.

Lately I have thought a lot about how people feel they are being called by God to do something. Some say it is a feeling, others call it a nudge but they all seem to say that to follow the nudging isn’t usually easy and takes courage.  I on the other hand always have waited for the same “nudge” to come three times. If things seem to fall into place three times then I feel it is God calling me to do something about it. I guess I am either slow or stubborn but maybe it is just uncertainty.  I need to be totally certain that it is the right thing to do, whether that comes from being afraid of making a mistake, or my usual fear of change, I am not sure.

Now four months later, I am being faced with the same decision but this time things are different. I know this time it isn’t a nudging from God. I know this because the decision has only once again risen because of my error.  Some might call it “an unskilful action” but either way this choice I made hurt someone else badly. So now I am in a difficult spot. I am being very strongly encouraged, although I almost feel I am being forced, into choosing a different path this time around. It scares me, and it will probably cause me to upset other friends.  As I was struggling with this over the last couple of days a wise friend blogged about how we can find respite in nature. All my life, when struggling, I have looked to find the answers and that wonderful feeling of calm by being outdoors...either down by the beach or on the trails in the woods. After reading his blog I knew I needed to get outside and up the mountain, so off I went.

Up there on the hillside (due to wind I didn’t make it to the top) I sat looking out over the valley and I asked for forgiveness for the pain I have caused. I asked for the wisdom to make the right choice and the courage it may take.  I’m not sure I still have the answer but I do have a plan. This time around though I am going to try and look at the plan the whole way through to try and foresee the outcome of my decision. I don’t want to hurt others, I want to do what is right for everyone involved, including myself and I have to make a decision that is financially responsible.

Up on the mountain, it all seemed so simple, I left with a plan but down here in the valley the uncertainty rises once again. I don’t have any more time. If I am going to try and implement “the plan” I need to begin tomorrow. So God, I’m not good with feelings, I don’t feel your nudging strong enough so please, could you just hit me over the head before tomorrow and let me know which path to take. I’d really appreciate your guidance, thanks.

L

p.s.  As I went to post this blog I read my last posting...also on decisions. In reading it I remember how last time I didn’t really make a decision and hoped that no one was hurt. Well they were, so I guess action is better than leaving the decision to chance.

Decisions

I have never been very good at making decisions or making up my mind about what I want in life. Keeping things the same is easy, making changes never is but neither come with guarantees. In life there are no guarantees that you will be happy, that things will continue to carry on and life will be great.

I have been thinking about some things in my life this past month or so but never really making any moves towards making a decision. Time is running out. If I want things to change I need to do it very soon. So today I thought I better really get moving on this and so who better to ask for guidance but God. Now where to find God was the next step.

I laughed as I thought of the differences between the two people who offer me guidance in life. One says I need to mediate daily for at least 20 minutes to help me reflect on life, the other one believes movement out in nature brings you closer to God.  So there I was another decision to make in order to try and make some decisions.  Part of me was pulled towards climbing up the mountain to the cross, always a comforting place for me, another idea was to head to the beach, my old decision making place and  the other idea was to mediate, something I used to do daily but have not really practiced faithfully in 7 years.

Well the weather wasn’t great, my “rescue” people were probably out of town so the hike to the cross idea was dismissed.  The ocean beach, well it is not as close, the gas tank is low so forget that idea and besides it is very windy out. So I decided to go for a walk/run around the neighbourhood and try the “out in nature idea”. It went well but no decision was made as I returned home so I decided to mediate for 20 minutes, and after 15 very restless minutes I gave that up as there still was nothing.

My two attempts at getting close to God for an answer have me laughing at myself. I know I don’t need to do any of these things, that God is always right here within and around me. So you know what? I decided I don’t have to make any decisions. Whatever is meant to be will happen.  I shall just trust God to know what is best and well if in four months from now I am kicking myself, it won’t be because I made a wrong choice, it will be for just letting things be and not paying attention to what God called me to do.

So after spending the afternoon contemplating what decision to make, which pathway to take, I am going to do what I always do and well, do nothing and pray that it all turns out well for everyone involved. Hopefully this way no one will be hurt, everyone, including myself will feel useful and fulfilled, and life will be good.

Now for a movie, popcorn and an ice-cream float...so much better than decision making!

One of the Greatest Gifts

These last few months have been very busy in my life, so many decisions, so many changes coming up and so much planning. Through it all I have almost been amazed at myself and how I have pretty much kept it together. I don’t worry and fret as much as I did years ago and part of that I believe comes from acceptance.

For the last few months I have been meeting with a spiritual director and talking a lot about my life and faith. And when I say talking a lot I mean talking a lot...the poor guy can hardly get a word in but during the times when I have allowed him to speak I have truly listened and learned a lot.

It’s hard to understand life and why things happen the way they do. For me it became even harder when you throw God into the mix of it all. Since adulthood, I have never believed God to be that old man that lives in heaven who controls everything in life. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I really have no description of God so I think of God as creation. God is in everything, everyone and all around us.

Where I get stuck of course is on the “whys” of life. Why do bad things happen to good people especially children. Yes it brings us personal growth and if life was all good it would be rather boring around here. God has given us freedom of choice and therefore we, being human, make mistakes, but it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow.  It has taken me some time but I think I finally get it. If we had all grown up in a perfect world making all the right choices none of us would grow....we would all be like flat cartoon people walking around being polite to one another. This has allowed me to believe that even when bad things happen to us, God still loves us. Even though God does not stop the awful things from happening to people it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love us. With help from my spiritual director I now try to look at God as a loving a parent who wants what is best for us and therefore must let us make our own choices so that we can grow and learn.

It is rather hard to explain really but after spending so much time thinking about this it has brought me to a place of wholeness. I finally feel whole and complete. I think it has come from finally having acceptance of who I am and my life. It doesn’t matter that I have faults, we all do, it doesn’t matter that I have made some wrong choices in life but what does matter is that I like who I am. I feel good about myself and it has all come from acceptance. I think acceptance of our lives and of who we are is one of the greatest gifs we can give to ourselves. God loves all of us just as we are and we all need to love ourselves just as unconditionally as God does. It certainly does give one a good feeling, inside and out. J

So this is who I am....a woman in her 50th  year, aging body, greying hair, and still not really sure of who she wants to be when she grows up....and you know what....it is all good, certainly far from perfect...but that's okay.

The MOON

I have always been drawn to the moon so much so that years ago I had my daughter paint me a picture of a woman with her arms extended upwards to a beautiful full moon in the dark night sky. It hangs in my bedroom where I can view it each night. Tonight the moon was full and said to be 14X brighter and closer to earth than usual. So of course out I went to seek the moon. It was brilliant, huge and bright as it came into view. I am not really sure what draws me to the full moon, the light that it brings on a dark night, the brilliant yellow glow that comes off of it or the face that is always looking down upon me. Somehow though when I sit and admire it’s beauty I feel spiritually filled. I feel closer to God when I see the moon even more so than a colourful sunrise or sunset. It reminds me of the beauty of all that God created and how wonderful this world is. Maybe that is why I am drawn to seek out the moon, because it brings me a sense of peace and fulfilment and a feeling of happiness

Moving On

Life is all about moving on. We have to keep moving, growing and changing in order to survive. Without change in our life we would become like bread when it is left just lying around, dried up and stale.

We are born as little helpless babies who need others to provide the necessities of life for us, to love and care for us. As we grow and develop we learn to care for ourselves. It isn’t easy. Think how many times a baby will topple over as they learn to sit, how many times they will fall as they learn to walk. It all takes strength and courage to keep trying until finally we are able to run. As babies we learn from being curious and exploring and from those who care for us. As children our teachers in life come from many sources in our families and communities. Yet I believe we learn the most in life from our own experiences, our own challenges and our own mistakes. I can’t say I am proud of everything I have done in my life. I do have regrets but I also have the understanding of why I made the choices I did and have accepted them. Just like learning to sit and walk it has taken strength and courage to move on and become who I am today. I know that I am a strong, capable person and that all shall be well and if not, well I can handle it. I mostly now am able to look with excitement to new experiences and changes but I have to admit there is still a little underlying fear.

There are no guarantees in life that “all shall be well” but the phrase keeps me hopeful and strong. They say “God never gives us more than we can handle” and it seems to be true. These next 6 months are going to bring many changes in my life and I am looking forward to some of the change and the challenge it will bring but as always with the unknown there is also a little feeling of fear that comes and goes. There will be loss, huge loss and yet I try and focus and am hopeful on what other good things will come and what growth this change will bring to me and my life and where it will lead me.

My son has a strong belief in thinking positive thoughts and focusing on the positive in life. I have been trying this for a while now and it really does seem to be very helpful. Yet as I try to keep my mind focused on what positive new adventures will come in these next few months, I can’t help but wonder if I am just avoiding the downside of it all. I ask myself is that really healthy? I know there is no point in dwelling on the negative. What will be, will be and I know I have the strength and courage to handle whatever will come. I shall keep positive and pray that I this is the right thing to do and that I am not just avoiding my true feelings. Like a child learning to walk I shall keep going forward and if I stumble and fall I shall get back up and just keep moving on. I mean really...how bad can it be to say good bye to friends and staff members in both offices and attempt to keep things running smoothly....should be a piece of cake...right? I am so blessed to have the support of family and friends who surround me with caring and kindness whether I succeed or stumble and fall. Life is good, God is great and onward I shall go!

What a Morning!

What a glorious weekend. It is Easter weekend and for many reasons I think it will be a time I remember for many years to come. Journeying from Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday has brought such clarity to my life and a peaceful feeling to my heart.

Looking back I can’t honestly say what was preached about on Thursday or even Friday but I know they both brought me to an interesting place in my life. For as long as I can remember I have had a hard time forgiving myself. I didn’t seem to have problems forgiving others; it was myself that I struggled with. With counselling and spiritual guidance over these past years I have come to a place where I have forgiven myself for past errors in choice and can even move on from the mistakes I make today. Now though I am wondering if I have truly forgiven others for their past errors.

Last night my children and some of their partners all joined me for Easter dinner. It was a fun day with playing video games, sharing in the cooking with my eldest daughter, and desert being a cute chocolate bunny cake decorated by my youngest. Even though they are all in their 20’s they went out to do the yearly Easter hunt with some enthusiasm. After dinner we played a board game...something that probably will soon be a thing of the past. There was great conversation, lots of laughs and even though I lost, it was great fun.

This morning I attended the Sunrise service out by the lake. As I slowly dragged myself out of bed I thought I really could skip this service, there is no need for me to be there. Minutes later as I stepped out my front door I was so thrilled that I had gotten up. The sky was clear with a few wispy clouds turning pick as the sun began to rise. I quickly drove to the lake not wanting to miss a bit of the sun coming up over the mountains. As we gathered in the cold, clothed in warm coats, toques and gloves the sun peeked over the hill top bringing deep warmth to our bodies. You could actually feel the heat touching your skin and flowing through your body. It felt and looked beautiful and when a flock of geese flew over honking as we said the Lord’s prayer it was just a truly amazing and extraordinary experience. The words spoken and the sun shining on me not only warmed my body but my heart as well and I felt so grateful to be a part of this experience.

Following the sunrise service I attended the regular service with my youngest daughter and her partner. We had a special gift of music. Five young adult girls along with our children’s choir and adult choir presented a beautiful piece of music. Hallelujah, by Leonard Cohen with words by Kelly Mooney, an amazing song that tells the story of Jesus’ last days.  It brought goose bumps to my body and soul. So twice in one day I was touched by a service that was uplifting and gave one hope that anything in this  world is possible...even peace for all.

As life moves on with many changes ahead for me in my work and church life I have come to peace with what will be and am beginning to look forward to the challenge ahead. Life is such a gift and I am so blessed in this life, surrounded by wonderful family and friends, a comfy place to call my home and a spiritual place to work in. That alone is enough to fill my cup and bring me a deep inner happiness but my church family and friends and the experiences we share together cause my cup to overflow with warmth, care and love.  

Easter blessings to all of you who made this Easter weekend one that I will never forget.