Decisions #2

Over these past three years I have had to make the same decision over and over again. The first time, it seemed simple to make a choice; the second time was much more difficult. I weighed the choices, prayed a lot and made the same decision again. When I was faced with the same decision a third time I began to think that maybe this was God calling me to do something different with my life.

Lately I have thought a lot about how people feel they are being called by God to do something. Some say it is a feeling, others call it a nudge but they all seem to say that to follow the nudging isn’t usually easy and takes courage.  I on the other hand always have waited for the same “nudge” to come three times. If things seem to fall into place three times then I feel it is God calling me to do something about it. I guess I am either slow or stubborn but maybe it is just uncertainty.  I need to be totally certain that it is the right thing to do, whether that comes from being afraid of making a mistake, or my usual fear of change, I am not sure.

Now four months later, I am being faced with the same decision but this time things are different. I know this time it isn’t a nudging from God. I know this because the decision has only once again risen because of my error.  Some might call it “an unskilful action” but either way this choice I made hurt someone else badly. So now I am in a difficult spot. I am being very strongly encouraged, although I almost feel I am being forced, into choosing a different path this time around. It scares me, and it will probably cause me to upset other friends.  As I was struggling with this over the last couple of days a wise friend blogged about how we can find respite in nature. All my life, when struggling, I have looked to find the answers and that wonderful feeling of calm by being outdoors...either down by the beach or on the trails in the woods. After reading his blog I knew I needed to get outside and up the mountain, so off I went.

Up there on the hillside (due to wind I didn’t make it to the top) I sat looking out over the valley and I asked for forgiveness for the pain I have caused. I asked for the wisdom to make the right choice and the courage it may take.  I’m not sure I still have the answer but I do have a plan. This time around though I am going to try and look at the plan the whole way through to try and foresee the outcome of my decision. I don’t want to hurt others, I want to do what is right for everyone involved, including myself and I have to make a decision that is financially responsible.

Up on the mountain, it all seemed so simple, I left with a plan but down here in the valley the uncertainty rises once again. I don’t have any more time. If I am going to try and implement “the plan” I need to begin tomorrow. So God, I’m not good with feelings, I don’t feel your nudging strong enough so please, could you just hit me over the head before tomorrow and let me know which path to take. I’d really appreciate your guidance, thanks.

L

p.s.  As I went to post this blog I read my last posting...also on decisions. In reading it I remember how last time I didn’t really make a decision and hoped that no one was hurt. Well they were, so I guess action is better than leaving the decision to chance.