Decisions

I have never been very good at making decisions or making up my mind about what I want in life. Keeping things the same is easy, making changes never is but neither come with guarantees. In life there are no guarantees that you will be happy, that things will continue to carry on and life will be great.

I have been thinking about some things in my life this past month or so but never really making any moves towards making a decision. Time is running out. If I want things to change I need to do it very soon. So today I thought I better really get moving on this and so who better to ask for guidance but God. Now where to find God was the next step.

I laughed as I thought of the differences between the two people who offer me guidance in life. One says I need to mediate daily for at least 20 minutes to help me reflect on life, the other one believes movement out in nature brings you closer to God.  So there I was another decision to make in order to try and make some decisions.  Part of me was pulled towards climbing up the mountain to the cross, always a comforting place for me, another idea was to head to the beach, my old decision making place and  the other idea was to mediate, something I used to do daily but have not really practiced faithfully in 7 years.

Well the weather wasn’t great, my “rescue” people were probably out of town so the hike to the cross idea was dismissed.  The ocean beach, well it is not as close, the gas tank is low so forget that idea and besides it is very windy out. So I decided to go for a walk/run around the neighbourhood and try the “out in nature idea”. It went well but no decision was made as I returned home so I decided to mediate for 20 minutes, and after 15 very restless minutes I gave that up as there still was nothing.

My two attempts at getting close to God for an answer have me laughing at myself. I know I don’t need to do any of these things, that God is always right here within and around me. So you know what? I decided I don’t have to make any decisions. Whatever is meant to be will happen.  I shall just trust God to know what is best and well if in four months from now I am kicking myself, it won’t be because I made a wrong choice, it will be for just letting things be and not paying attention to what God called me to do.

So after spending the afternoon contemplating what decision to make, which pathway to take, I am going to do what I always do and well, do nothing and pray that it all turns out well for everyone involved. Hopefully this way no one will be hurt, everyone, including myself will feel useful and fulfilled, and life will be good.

Now for a movie, popcorn and an ice-cream float...so much better than decision making!

One of the Greatest Gifts

These last few months have been very busy in my life, so many decisions, so many changes coming up and so much planning. Through it all I have almost been amazed at myself and how I have pretty much kept it together. I don’t worry and fret as much as I did years ago and part of that I believe comes from acceptance.

For the last few months I have been meeting with a spiritual director and talking a lot about my life and faith. And when I say talking a lot I mean talking a lot...the poor guy can hardly get a word in but during the times when I have allowed him to speak I have truly listened and learned a lot.

It’s hard to understand life and why things happen the way they do. For me it became even harder when you throw God into the mix of it all. Since adulthood, I have never believed God to be that old man that lives in heaven who controls everything in life. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I really have no description of God so I think of God as creation. God is in everything, everyone and all around us.

Where I get stuck of course is on the “whys” of life. Why do bad things happen to good people especially children. Yes it brings us personal growth and if life was all good it would be rather boring around here. God has given us freedom of choice and therefore we, being human, make mistakes, but it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow.  It has taken me some time but I think I finally get it. If we had all grown up in a perfect world making all the right choices none of us would grow....we would all be like flat cartoon people walking around being polite to one another. This has allowed me to believe that even when bad things happen to us, God still loves us. Even though God does not stop the awful things from happening to people it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love us. With help from my spiritual director I now try to look at God as a loving a parent who wants what is best for us and therefore must let us make our own choices so that we can grow and learn.

It is rather hard to explain really but after spending so much time thinking about this it has brought me to a place of wholeness. I finally feel whole and complete. I think it has come from finally having acceptance of who I am and my life. It doesn’t matter that I have faults, we all do, it doesn’t matter that I have made some wrong choices in life but what does matter is that I like who I am. I feel good about myself and it has all come from acceptance. I think acceptance of our lives and of who we are is one of the greatest gifs we can give to ourselves. God loves all of us just as we are and we all need to love ourselves just as unconditionally as God does. It certainly does give one a good feeling, inside and out. J

So this is who I am....a woman in her 50th  year, aging body, greying hair, and still not really sure of who she wants to be when she grows up....and you know what....it is all good, certainly far from perfect...but that's okay.

The MOON

I have always been drawn to the moon so much so that years ago I had my daughter paint me a picture of a woman with her arms extended upwards to a beautiful full moon in the dark night sky. It hangs in my bedroom where I can view it each night. Tonight the moon was full and said to be 14X brighter and closer to earth than usual. So of course out I went to seek the moon. It was brilliant, huge and bright as it came into view. I am not really sure what draws me to the full moon, the light that it brings on a dark night, the brilliant yellow glow that comes off of it or the face that is always looking down upon me. Somehow though when I sit and admire it’s beauty I feel spiritually filled. I feel closer to God when I see the moon even more so than a colourful sunrise or sunset. It reminds me of the beauty of all that God created and how wonderful this world is. Maybe that is why I am drawn to seek out the moon, because it brings me a sense of peace and fulfilment and a feeling of happiness

Moving On

Life is all about moving on. We have to keep moving, growing and changing in order to survive. Without change in our life we would become like bread when it is left just lying around, dried up and stale.

We are born as little helpless babies who need others to provide the necessities of life for us, to love and care for us. As we grow and develop we learn to care for ourselves. It isn’t easy. Think how many times a baby will topple over as they learn to sit, how many times they will fall as they learn to walk. It all takes strength and courage to keep trying until finally we are able to run. As babies we learn from being curious and exploring and from those who care for us. As children our teachers in life come from many sources in our families and communities. Yet I believe we learn the most in life from our own experiences, our own challenges and our own mistakes. I can’t say I am proud of everything I have done in my life. I do have regrets but I also have the understanding of why I made the choices I did and have accepted them. Just like learning to sit and walk it has taken strength and courage to move on and become who I am today. I know that I am a strong, capable person and that all shall be well and if not, well I can handle it. I mostly now am able to look with excitement to new experiences and changes but I have to admit there is still a little underlying fear.

There are no guarantees in life that “all shall be well” but the phrase keeps me hopeful and strong. They say “God never gives us more than we can handle” and it seems to be true. These next 6 months are going to bring many changes in my life and I am looking forward to some of the change and the challenge it will bring but as always with the unknown there is also a little feeling of fear that comes and goes. There will be loss, huge loss and yet I try and focus and am hopeful on what other good things will come and what growth this change will bring to me and my life and where it will lead me.

My son has a strong belief in thinking positive thoughts and focusing on the positive in life. I have been trying this for a while now and it really does seem to be very helpful. Yet as I try to keep my mind focused on what positive new adventures will come in these next few months, I can’t help but wonder if I am just avoiding the downside of it all. I ask myself is that really healthy? I know there is no point in dwelling on the negative. What will be, will be and I know I have the strength and courage to handle whatever will come. I shall keep positive and pray that I this is the right thing to do and that I am not just avoiding my true feelings. Like a child learning to walk I shall keep going forward and if I stumble and fall I shall get back up and just keep moving on. I mean really...how bad can it be to say good bye to friends and staff members in both offices and attempt to keep things running smoothly....should be a piece of cake...right? I am so blessed to have the support of family and friends who surround me with caring and kindness whether I succeed or stumble and fall. Life is good, God is great and onward I shall go!

What a Morning!

What a glorious weekend. It is Easter weekend and for many reasons I think it will be a time I remember for many years to come. Journeying from Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday has brought such clarity to my life and a peaceful feeling to my heart.

Looking back I can’t honestly say what was preached about on Thursday or even Friday but I know they both brought me to an interesting place in my life. For as long as I can remember I have had a hard time forgiving myself. I didn’t seem to have problems forgiving others; it was myself that I struggled with. With counselling and spiritual guidance over these past years I have come to a place where I have forgiven myself for past errors in choice and can even move on from the mistakes I make today. Now though I am wondering if I have truly forgiven others for their past errors.

Last night my children and some of their partners all joined me for Easter dinner. It was a fun day with playing video games, sharing in the cooking with my eldest daughter, and desert being a cute chocolate bunny cake decorated by my youngest. Even though they are all in their 20’s they went out to do the yearly Easter hunt with some enthusiasm. After dinner we played a board game...something that probably will soon be a thing of the past. There was great conversation, lots of laughs and even though I lost, it was great fun.

This morning I attended the Sunrise service out by the lake. As I slowly dragged myself out of bed I thought I really could skip this service, there is no need for me to be there. Minutes later as I stepped out my front door I was so thrilled that I had gotten up. The sky was clear with a few wispy clouds turning pick as the sun began to rise. I quickly drove to the lake not wanting to miss a bit of the sun coming up over the mountains. As we gathered in the cold, clothed in warm coats, toques and gloves the sun peeked over the hill top bringing deep warmth to our bodies. You could actually feel the heat touching your skin and flowing through your body. It felt and looked beautiful and when a flock of geese flew over honking as we said the Lord’s prayer it was just a truly amazing and extraordinary experience. The words spoken and the sun shining on me not only warmed my body but my heart as well and I felt so grateful to be a part of this experience.

Following the sunrise service I attended the regular service with my youngest daughter and her partner. We had a special gift of music. Five young adult girls along with our children’s choir and adult choir presented a beautiful piece of music. Hallelujah, by Leonard Cohen with words by Kelly Mooney, an amazing song that tells the story of Jesus’ last days.  It brought goose bumps to my body and soul. So twice in one day I was touched by a service that was uplifting and gave one hope that anything in this  world is possible...even peace for all.

As life moves on with many changes ahead for me in my work and church life I have come to peace with what will be and am beginning to look forward to the challenge ahead. Life is such a gift and I am so blessed in this life, surrounded by wonderful family and friends, a comfy place to call my home and a spiritual place to work in. That alone is enough to fill my cup and bring me a deep inner happiness but my church family and friends and the experiences we share together cause my cup to overflow with warmth, care and love.  

Easter blessings to all of you who made this Easter weekend one that I will never forget.

Changes

I seem to be making more and more changes to my lifestyle these days and some of it is rather shocking even to me.  I mean, last fall I joined a gym, I now eat three or four times the vegetables I used to, I started eating salads with spinach, I’ve added beans to my diet and now the shocker of all shocker is I have just started to drink soy milk. I had decided to try a soy based shake to help me get the nutrients I need plus I am hoping it will help me lose my tummy fat. So the other day I bought the soy milk and tried it. It really is okay and tastes pretty good in the shake. But now well let me be truly honest, the real reason I have sunk to the soy level.....HOT FLASHES. They started two months ago and are literally driving me insane. I know I will survive because every other woman has but really they are a bit much. They come on 24/7 and seem to zap my energy along with any brain cells I may have been trying to use at the time. Needless to say I have not been working to my full capacity because I am sleep deprived, hot and sweaty and then cold and shaky. I dress in layers, the sweaters go on and then sweaters come off. Going to the gym is almost a nightmare. I have never been one to perspire much but now my body turns into a lake. At night the covers are many and deep and then they are tossed aside in a hurried frenzy. At times I just want out of my skin it is so hot. Fifteen minutes later it ends and I grab, re-sort the covers and bury myself back under them and try to feel warm even though I am now freezing cold and clammy. It truly is enough to make one go insane.

For years I have always given God a female gender even though I really don’t believe God has any gender at all but it has been fun to tease and irk some people. Frankly at this point in my life I can’t even joke about it because I believe God is creator of all and there isn’t a chance in h____ anything female would even consider dumping all this on a person. Personally I really have no idea what males go through with their bodies as they journey through life but in my opinion I think women have gotten a bad deal and these last two months have confirmed my beliefs. I may even have to agree that God must be male...it really seems to be the only reasoning in all of this.

So life shall carry on but if you happen to run into me be prepared. I may be cold,  I may be hot. I may begin to remove clothing from my body, fan myself and totally speak incoherently (although I do this regularly anyway) but as with everything in life...this too will pass....I just hope it passes very quickly  and I can get back to my breakfast of honey nut cheerios and my regular moo milk. I mean I don’t want to get too healthy. It may give people the wrong impression and they will start to feed me mushrooms or tofu J

Goal Achieved !!

Last month I had my last training session and check in at the gym. I have reached my goal!!  I have lost over 15 pounds, quite a few inches and I feel pretty good about it all.  Not only has my 4 months at the gym given me a healthier body, an improved look but it has also shown me that sometimes when we try new things we can be pleasantly surprised. I was so sure I did not want to join the gym and have a trainer but I have totally enjoyed it and hope to continue on. I will admit it is not always easy to make myself get up out of bed at 5 am and get down to the gym and it will take even more will power to continue to do this now that I have reached my goal, but I do not want to lose all that I have gained nor gain all that I have lost. J My trainer at the gym has been so great and so much fun that I shall miss having her harp on me to keep doing more and more exercises but I have my program and it is time to fly solo and carry on. After all at my age one shouldn’t need someone to “whip” them into shape.

So I have set some new goals for the gym and it is probably time I set some new goals in my life. I am not really one to set goals but I believe the time has come, otherwise I think life could just pass by and be over before I know it. I want to live life and not just live. Time goes by so quickly and I always feel I still have lots of time in my life to do the things I want to do but one never really knows do they. There are no guarantees in life that I will get a tomorrow. So what to do, what to do? What can be my next goal....what do I want to try to do that is new and exciting that will help me to grow as a person.

In the last month I have had two support people in my life tell me to make lists. One person suggested I list all the things I enjoy doing in life...the other person suggested I list all the skills I have plus all the things I like to do in life but do badly. I have created these lists and they are very short. And I still don’t know what I want to do, what next goal I need to reach. In the last couple of weeks I have also had two people tell me that I talk so much that I answer my own questions. So...maybe it is time to get back to meditation and prayer, to be quiet and to listen. Hopefully God will gently whisper in my ear and guide me to a new goal and a new challenge. I shall remain hopeful.