Living Life

I grew up in a family of four and we lived a good basic life. We camped and travelled around BC quite a lot and enjoyed living a simple life. We also fished a fair bit of the time out on the ocean in a small boat. My Mom would worry every time we went out in it fearful for us kids and I also became very nervous every time we went out. I spent the time daydreaming or sleeping to keep my mind off the deep dark waters. It is really how I grew up...day dreaming made up stories about my life and where it would take me. I spent hours upon hours living in a fantasy world instead of enjoying the real world around me. Later on, becoming a parent myself I spent much of my time worrying over their safety and their wellbeing constantly warning them to be careful.

In these last ten years I have grown and changed a great deal, mainly I believe because of my faith, my belief in an all loving God. I have finally been able to let go of many of my fears. Do I still worry at times, of course I do. I have three children and like any parent, I only want good for them but life happens and it isn’t always smooth sailing. With my faith, trust and a fair bit of courage I was able to leave a home and marriage of almost twenty years and start a fresh new life where I feel free to evolve and grow.

I spent this past week with my birth family and by the end of the week I was so thankful that I have my faith in God and have been able to move forward and live life. A day trip was planned to go and visit my daughter which was a two hour drive away. My Mom wouldn’t come. She couldn’t let go of her fear of us all being in a car accident and no one but my adult children being left alive. She knew if she came she would worry and fret the whole day and not enjoy it. It saddened me because there aren’t many chances for us all to go off on an adventure together. My Mom, almost 80 has lived a good life and still fishes off the west coast, hikes trails and has many friends but her fear of an accident kept her from sharing in a wonderful day with her children. She has lived almost 80 years but I wonder how many times her fears have kept her from actually enjoying and really living her life.

My sister and I in Comox

My sister has had, for as long as I can remember, a fear of heights. I would always be the one to ride up on Dad’s shoulders. She could never stand to be up that high. I never knew how bad her fear was til two years ago when I took her hiking on one of the islands and she could barely make herself walk along this one trail that had a bit of a steep drop off. It really wasn’t that bad but she had to force herself to move. She also worries a fair bit about life and strives hard to make things perfect for her son and husband. So after our trip up island we decided to go hiking, my Mom, my sister and my daughter and her dog. There were so many beautiful trails I could take them on but I knew many were off bounds because of their fear of walking on the “edge”. So we decided to hike to the cross on the dirt path and road and avoid the outer edge. When we arrived at the parking lot there was a sign warning people that a cougar had been spotted in the area. Instantly my sister said “oh we aren’t going” but I parked the car and we all got out. She really didn’t have much choice and besides my brave daughter spoke the obvious “don’t worry, the cougar will attack my dog first”. We had a great day hiking and I was so proud of my Mom to make it all the way to the cross. I couldn’t wait to take pictures of her up there standing at top.

Of course the cross is on the edge of a rock outcropping which has a huge drop off on all three sides but my Mom walked up and sat at its base. My sister however had to almost close her eyes and feel her way to get as close to my Mom as she could, to pose for the pictures. I felt for her and was once again saddened that her fear keeps her from enjoying so many things in life. I too have a fear of heights so I know what she feels but I can’t say it has kept it from me doing things that I want to do. I wouldn’t ever go skydiving as I am not sure I could manage to just jump out of a plane but then it also isn’t one of my dreams or desires.

My family at the cross

At the end of the week shared with my family I spent time reflecting on how thankful I am that I have been able to leave so many of my fears behind and to go out and explore this world not only by hiking the hills but by learning and practicing different spiritual practices. I feel all the new adventures I have been blessed with these past ten years have tested me and helped me grow becoming both physically and spiritually stronger. To me one is only really living life when they can face their fears and enjoy every moment experiencing adventures that others only dream of. Safety precautions always need to be taken seriously and rules and guidelines need to be followed but trust in life can allow us the freedom to take some risks and reach new heights. I know I have so much still to do in this life, so many more fears to face but I hope with my trust in God and a strong belief in what St. Julian of Norwich said “all shall be well, all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well” I can continue to live my dreams. Whatever comes in life I know I will be strong enough to face and handle. If I die while driving to see my daughter or if I die in the jaws of a cougar on a mountain hillside at least I will have died truly living my life. So proud of my sister and Mom (79 years old) to make it up to the cross with me!

Seasons of Love

Whenever I have thought of seasons I have thought of change. How nature changes as we journey through the four seasons of the year, winter, spring, summer and fall. Although I don’t normally like change, moving through the four seasons I’m okay with because each season has it’s own beauty and brings with it it’s own gifts.

Today while I was running at the gym listening to a new play list I came across a song the “Season of Love” from the play Rent. I had heard it many times before but today listening to the words it reminded me of a church service I attended last week. The service was a large Anglican service for the consecration of a new Bishop. It was a very beautiful and moving service which flowed easily. People from all over came together in celebration. As I looked around at the thousands of people there I imagined his congregational members were not only celebrating but also feeling some sadness as the man that has led them and cared for them, moves onto other callings. I felt for them, as the church I attended had gone through a change in ministers not all that long ago and I knew there would be sadness for themselves in amongst their joy for him. The service itself was so much more than going through the rituals and promises of the consecration. It was so very personal of the man being honoured. From the children’s time, to having his daughters share in the readings and perform liturgical dance, the Scottish music that was played throughout, it was all connected to a man who was obviously dearly loved by many. A man who had made connections with the First Nations people who were there drumming, to some of us "non-Anglicans" who had attended previous Sunday services and came to witness this moment in his life. It didn’t matter who we were, where we had come from or what our beliefs were we were all welcomed and worshipped together connected through one common thread, our care for him. It was a service full of love and I left there feeling very spiritually uplifted and moved by the openness and love that everyone there shared.

The song also made me realize that I had never thought about love being a season before but in many ways it is. Our feelings of love change and grow throughout our lives as we journey through the seasons and years. As a child growing up I always knew that my parents loved me, after all how could they not, I was their child. The words in the song remind us that love is a gift from up above. It is a gift that I have had all of my life, growing up in a caring loving family and now having young adult children of my own, I have always known I was loved. As my family has grown with sons and daughter in laws joining us and now a grandchild on the way the unconditional love we share grows and expands.

In the past two years though I have moved into a new “season of love” where I have realized I am not only loved by family but also by friends. In this season of love I have finally been able to open my heart and feel the love deep inside me. To be loved and feelloved by people who have no other reason to love you except for you being the person you are is such an amazing blessed gift. As I sat holding hands saying grace with loving friends the other night I thought to myself, “life doesn’t get any better than this”. At that moment I felt loved and at peace with life and thankful for all that I have been blessed with. Life is so very good at this moment, in this season, yet when I soon hold my new grandson in my arms for the first time I know I will feel the gift of love from up above flow through my heart for this new child and life will have once again just gotten better. A new season of love will have begun.

                                                                   A symbol of love

Life and love always change as relationships change, like the seasons of the year, new ones are formed and others end, each bringing us their gifts for a time. Without the seasons in nature and the seasons of love we could not exist. As this season of winter ends and we move into spring I will remind myself of all of the gifts I am so blessed to have in my life. To love and be loved by family and friends is my greatest gift from up above and someday I pray all people everywhere will be blessed by many seasons of love.

Letting Go

It’s not always easy. In letting go we give up control, we become vulnerable and for me it is a huge struggle. As a parent there are so many firsts of letting go...the first time you leave them with a sitter, the first time they go to school, the first time they drive off in your vehicle and then when they move away from home. I have been through all of these stages...three times over. It’s always been hard but it has been beneficial as well. They become independent in slow stages and grow into adults with confidence.

My children are all adults now and have been out of the house for a few years, yet I still have a close relationship with them and I am in touch with them throughout the week. They call and ask for advice and share their worries and concerns with me. They call and ask what their siblings are up to. These past six months or more though I have noticed a change. Up until now I have been the hub, with the three of them arranging gatherings through me for family dinners or outings. Now I find they are communicating to each other and not including me in their conversations. They have moved into true adulthood with their own lives and I love it. Usually I don’t like change and find it so hard to let go and not be in control but this time it is different. I am so happy that they have moved from teenagers who didn’t always get along to now being both siblings and friends. It is rather strange though to hear them talking about things that I know nothing about.

My weekend travel buddies

This past weekend I was with all three of them and I found I have now become the focus of their jokes, the one they laugh about and shake their heads at. It’s all in good fun but different. It’s once again a time for me to let go. I may not agree with all their decisions but their life is theirs to live. My hardest struggle, which I continue to fail at everyday, is to keep my opinion and thoughts to myself. This is truly going to be tested when I become a Nana in a few months. It will be a time to be quietly supportive of the choices they make as they too learn to parent. I pray I will be able to do this.

                                         The parents of my first grandchild

Some evangelical churches say let go and let God...and I guess it some ways it is true. There is no purpose to worrying about what life will bring, we are not always in control. Then again, I believe that God is not in total control either. God lets go and allows us to make choices. As our creator, God wants only what is best for us just as we want the best for our children but neither God nor us can control someone else’s choices or actions. We can however, control our own actions and decisions and try to be people of acceptance and love.

I came home from this weekend with a sense of deep change coming and with it a sense of freedom. Sometimes letting go can be good and so can change. It is not always easy but without it we wouldn’t grow or become the people God wants us to be. These next three months are going to be full of changes in my life, not that I myself am making any changes but the people in my life that I love are. It is a time when I must let go and be supportive and happy for the choices they have made. A time to be proud of them for the people they are and the courage they have as they move onto new adventures. I’ve never been good at letting go or with change but I pray that I can truly let go and look at this next period of time with a positive attitude and use it as an opportunity for me to grow within myself to be a better person than I have been in the past. With God’s guidance and love surrounding me I will try to do my best, to let go with love.

A Cold Freezing Day

It has been cold this week....unusually cold for us here on the “wet” coast. The skies have been clear blue but the temperatures down to -8 on some mornings. Today my daughter and I went for a drive as she had seen pictures of this “ice sculpture” on facebook and wanted to go and find it. We knew approximately where it was and it was easy to find. I was expecting some little frozen ice sculpture where water would usually run, but this is what we found.



Beauty hanging in the trees

It was so amazing. I couldn’t help but think about what beauty God creates for us and how strange it was to see something like this on our coast and in amongst the trees. Unfortunately someone had painted it green I guess in the hopes of making it look like trees. We took picture after picture and I loved the way the icicles had formed.

I loved the way it bubbled...

I loved the way it hung on the trees...

And then I felt the spray of water and looked down. Ah yes a split plastic water pipe running through the forest. This wasn’t a creation of God but an accidental creation of man. It still was beautiful but the mystery of it all quickly disappeared. I hoped that whoever’s property it was knew of the water leak because obviously it had been leaking for some time and was being rather wasteful.

So there is beauty in nature and beauty in creation and even beauty in man made creations...they’re just not quite as special as God's.

A New Year A New Hope

The churches’ new year started a month ago with the beginning of Advent, a time of waiting. However today is the first day of a new calendar year, a time for new beginnings. I try to set some sort of goal each year, some successful others not so much. Mostly they are hopes of improving myself as a person. Yesterday, I read about this coming Sunday’s bible reading about the three wise men and something stuck with me. It said “when they left, the way they viewed the world had been changed.” I find the idea of viewing the world in a new way, of looking at things with new eyes and having a new perspective on life very refreshing and hope giving. Jesus also said “I am the way”. My dream for this year is to be more compassionate and less judgemental and certainly less opinionated. Jesus loved all people, no matter what their beliefs were, including the women and children, the poor and the sick, absolutely everyone. If I am to follow “the way” of Jesus then I too need to be compassionate to everyone.

Working in the church brings me in contact with people from all walks of life, each of them with their own hopes and needs. I do my best to greet each of them with an open heart and mind and to respond to their requests with compassion and hopefully some knowledge. It’s not always easy. Life in this world today seems to run at a quick pace, lots to be done and not always the time to do it. There are tax receipts, annual reports and lots of other year end items to be attended to and yet I know each person that comes through our doors deserves to be listened to and most importantly, to be heard.

I work towards a world of peace and justice, in hopes that someday all people will have enough to eat, shelter to protect them and feel loved by others. It is so possible and could be so quickly achieved if everyone in this world had the same dream and views but sadly we all have a different way of viewing the world. I am not really sure where this year will take me or how I may try to view things differently but I have to live a life full of hope for a better tomorrow.

An arbutus tree view

Today as I head out hiking on the trails I hope that some wisdom or insight will come to me as I breathe in deeply the crisp cool air and take note of all the little wonders of creation. As when working in the church, out on the trail, I also need to slow down and take note of all there is to see and feel to take in the many different views. If I just speed along aiming to reach my goal I will miss out on all the amazing things along the side of the path. I will miss out on the views up above me or ahead of me. I won’t hear the sounds that nature brings to us, the little chirps of the birds, the rustling of the leaves in the wind or the silence that can be deeply fulfilling and allows God to be heard.

An upward view

Maybe this should be my new goal for this year, to live life slowly, to take in and cherish each moment of time. Not worry about what will happen five months from now or even tomorrow but to be mindful of each day. To take the time to listen and really hear what each individual person is saying to me and to respond with love and compassion. Just slowing life down and taking all that I see and hear deeply into my heart could change my view, give me a new outlook and hope for life and to help me become the person of compassion and kindness I so crave to be. It will take discipline and daily reminders to myself to slow down and to just be but I know that with all things in life, it is possible if I want it badly enough.

A view into the stillness

2014, a year of new beginnings, of new life (including my first grandchild), of a new way to view the world, with new hopes and dreams for all of us living together on this small planet. May you find peace and happiness this coming year, take in and cherish all of creation and live a life full of love.

Finding Hope Outdoors

So ....I couldn't stop blogging :)

Today was a day to be outdoors on the trails and not inside the church. I love to experience the practices of many faiths and find they all have good and similar guidelines for living a life of compassion. As much as the church music uplifts my spirit and energizes me I must say in these past few years I have found that hiking in the forests has the same effect. I can’t help but look at all of nature and feel connected to God. Thirteen years ago I began a practice of meditation that brought great peace to my life and connection with Jesus. The stillness brought healing, a sense of wholeness and the practice enriched my life. I have to confess that I rarely do meditate anymore but the stillness and quietness of the forests has nearly the same effect.

Taking a few days off from work after the busy Christmas season I decided to get outside and enjoy the winter air. Today’s hike brought me to a new summit. Although the hike was short there was such breathtaking beauty to look out upon that one couldn't help but be thankful for the Creator and creation. The skies were full of clouds, the wind was crisp and cool and the ocean and small islands looked at peace. I am not sure which of nature I find more amazing...the vast stretches of ocean water or the tiny flowers on the moss along the trail, the rain dripping off a branch, or the fog laying low. Whichever it may be nature shows us that life is full of hope and promise, even on days like today when I struggle with nervous fear of what may come next in life, finding God in nature gives me hope and reminds me that all shall be well.

Looking down at such beauty how can one not be hopeful

I have been struggling lately with the idea of dreams and hopes. Having dreams or not having them...which is better? When I dream about something I have a tendency to get carried away and have it all planned out perfectly in my mind. When that doesn't come to reality I feel hurt and grieve over the loss of something that I never really had. Life can be going along so perfectly and then as my wise friend says “life can just turn on a dime” and that is so correct. One day life is full of hope and promise and the next the dreams are dashed away in an instant. Maybe a person’s dreams should only involve themselves and not include others. It would be safer to live without any dreams at all although I am not sure it is healthier.

The formation of the clouds was breathtaking

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it will involve a new hike in the same area but on a different trail. Where it will take me I have no idea but keeping my body busy, keeps my mind off the troubles of life and gives me time to connect with creation. When I look out across the ocean at the islands in the distant it will remind me to be thankful for all of life and that really, mostly the things I worry about are all small things, almost as tiny as the little flowers on the moss along the side of the trail.

Amazing how beautiful something so tiny can be...it is humbling

Christmas Eve

It has been a month of waiting, that is was Advent is all about, being patient and waiting. In my life it has been a very busy month but this past week I have finally found time to be reflective on my life and all that I have been blessed with. Today I spent time thinking about waiting and what I am waiting for or expecting from tomorrow. Am I waiting for Santa to arrive, am I waiting to spend time with my family, am I waiting to celebrate the birth of Jesus. As I thought about this I realized how much my life has evolved and changed over the years. I also thought about Mary waiting for her baby to arrive and how I am waiting for my first grandchild to arrive. Even though it is months away I feel excitement in the waiting for a baby boy to be born, just as Mary would have many years ago.

This afternoon, in need of some quiet reflective time, I hiked to the cross. As I hiked I thought about this past year, the losses but mainly the celebrations and my dreams and hopes for next year. As I reached the cross I stood looking out over the water. I tried to focus on the birth of my grandson and all the joy he will bring but my heart was full of grief and loss. I thought about the hopes and dreams I had had for this coming new year and knowing that they were not going to become a reality I couldn’t help but feel the sadness and hopelessness. The fear that I feel that this coming year could bring pain to the people I love even amongst the joyous occasions makes me not want to have new hopes or set goals for this year ahead. Is the disappointment worth the dreaming.

This evening I attended the Christmas Eve service at church where I listened to the story of Jesus’ birth, sang carols and prayed. I have to admit I left in much higher spirits and with a sense of hope. If one small baby boy, born in a stable could bring so much love and hope to our world then how can I not have that same love and hope for us all.

So tomorrow is Christmas, a day celebrated by people all over the world. Some folks will focus on Santa’s arrival, some will rejoice in the birth of Jesus, in our own ways we will celebrate being together with our family or friends and be thankful for all that we have.

Life is a journey and it isn’t the destination but the journey that matters, including all the bumps we run into along the way. In the end it is how we journey with love and hope for a better world in our hearts that really matters.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas tomorrow and a Happy New year. May 2014 be a good year for us all. I also want to thank D & J and Cathy for being such faithful readers of my blog these past three years. Even though I never really wrote about the things I thought I would, this has been a great place for me to share some of my thoughts and feelings and I thank you for always taking time to read and post. Today while hiking down from the cross I decided that this would be my last posting, #60, on this blog site... so when the year ends so will this. It’s been a fun but it’s time for a change.

Blessings to you all.

Linda