Solitude, Nature and Being in the Moment

It’s three days before Christmas, the gifts are all bought and wrapped, the decorations are up, so all that was left was some grocery shopping and the cleaning. Awakening this morning at 6:15 I was soon up and off to the gym, immediately followed by grocery shopping to beat the crowds. Arriving home by 8 am I began on the housecleaning, planning ahead to a day of relaxing on the couch watching Christmas movies. As I cleaned though the plans seemed to change and at 10:30 am with the house looking passable, I dressed in my hiking clothes, grabbed a snack and by 11 am headed up the Trans Canada Trail. My plan was to walk to the old Chinese Cemetery, out near where I used to live. My daughter thought it would be too far, at least 90 minutes one way but I felt a good three hour hike would be great. What I didn’t count on was the snow. The trail in amongst the trees was covered in icy crunchy snow. With every step forward I would slide a bit backwards, my hike was going to be a challenge. I continued on my way admiring the beautiful forest trees, noticing the odd brownish leave still clinging to it’s tree branch, and listening to the wonderful sound of the rushing water in the nearby creek. It was a time of solitude and a time to reflect on life and just be in the moment.

Looking ahead down the long snow packed trail

After an hour I knew it would indeed be at least another half hour to make it to my destination. I was tempted to turn back but I so wanted to see my old hiking trails and just before heading out I had received some sad news about a friend, a man who has always handled life with positivity and laughter. It made me realize how one really needs to make the most of every moment in life and not waste a precious second of it laying around doing nothing, so onward I went. Once crossing the main road I headed along trails that I haven’t walked in at least 5 years. I used to hike daily with my dog when I lived out in the country but haven’t returned since she died. It was great to see the old neighbourhood where I spent 14 years raising my children. Some things had changed, others remained the same.

 A fast running creek in amongst the moss covered trees

 

There were paw prints in the snow which years ago could have been made by our dog Sasha. I thought a lot about her and how we shared our daily journeys. We had some good times together and I could picture her running along beside me as I ventured further down the trail. Nearing the cemetery I came upon the old narrow dirt path that took me up into the trees to the top of the cemetery. It felt good to be on a trail and off the snowy packed route on which the snow had become 3 o r 4 inches deep. Finally, as my daughter had predicted 90 minutes into my hike, I had arrived at the top. It had changed so much. What used to be trails were now more like roads. My old rock that I had sat upon for 4 or more years conversing with God about my future and my children’s future was no longer there. Obviously many people must now use the trails for their quads and dirt bikes yet today I was alone in the trees. It was so peaceful to look out at the snow covered mountains and just take in the quiet and peacefulness of nature. Although there is so much hurt and sadness in our world there is also so much good, so many things to enjoy and be part of. I live in a wonderful area full of mountains, forests, oceans, lakes and rivers. There are so many adventures to enjoy, even if only for a few hours a day.

Above the cemetery looking over at the mountains.

 

I must confess heading home, I was very tired, my back was sore, along with one foot. So, after 45 minutes on the snow packed trail knowing there were another 45 minutes to go, I headed out to the roadway and quickly headed for home. I knew being on the road I would be home enjoying a warm bowl of soup within 20 minutes. As much as I missed the quiet of the trees, I can’t say that the noise and fumes of passing cars deterred my happy spirit. It could have been the desire for food that had me running down the streets not carrying that I may been seen by friends who I am sure would wonder what I was up to. My pants were damp up to almost my knees, I had a pack around my waste complete with water bottle and safety items, and I probably looked a little worse for wear but inside I was smiling not caring what people saw or thought.

It’s been a great day and I am so thankful that I decided to get outdoors and enjoy some solitude instead of sitting here staring at a black box all day. Life is too short, too precious to waste, we need to enjoy every minute of it and be present. Don’t waste time looking back, don’t worry about tomorrow, just make the most of today, sometimes that’s all we have.

"Sister Weekend"

Ten years after our last “sister weekend” my sister and I were finally able to escape life and have a weekend together on Gabriola to celebrate my 50th. It was a good time which I must say made even better by the fact that I was able to win every game of cards except the very last one. Luck was certainly on my side. My sister gave me beautiful “sister” rings for a gift which I truly love and will treasure. Our birthstones side by side, well I shall wear hers a little above mine but only out of respect as she is the oldest.


Our birthstones

 

We spent the weekend just being together, hiking the trails, checking out the beaches, sometimes in sunshine and sometimes in wind and rain storms. We went to some of my favourite places and others that I had never been to before and we were awed by nature's beauty.

A new view from my favourite park in the sunshine

 Mostly though we hung out at my friends’ cabin and stayed warm with a nice fire in the woodstove. Meals were simple, chatter constant and laughter often. We slept side by side just like in the old days when we would be out camping except this time there was only laughter and no arguing what so ever. Now we just tease each other and thankfully laugh. It is amazing how the years have changed us in many different ways and yet who we are inside remains the same. The things I did that annoyed her years ago, still do and the things I purposely do to annoy her remain the same. It is one of the many joys that come with knowing someone for a lifetime. She knows to let me always lead the way down the trails, it is futile for her to even try and even get in front really. I know to let her have at least 10 minutes at each new "find" to get the right photo although I can’t say I have become any more patient in waiting over the years.

Getting the "perfect" shot in amongst the wind and rain

 

Of course there are always new things to learn about each other, new things that make us laugh and new fears that we face. Our life styles are different in some ways, we are at different places in our lives and yet as we grow older together we have an understanding of each other that goes back to our birth. Well I guess my birth because as I said .... she is older.

My sister and friend, Dar

 

Thank you for being a wonderful sister and for a great weekend Dar, we'll do it again soon ... I love you.

L

 

Birthday Blessings

Today I turned 50! It has been an amazing weekend with family and friends. There has been so much celebration but among it,  time for reflection. Over these past few years I have often been surprised and shocked at the love and care I receive from my many friends and this weekend was no exception.

Growing up I had many friends in my younger years. I have to confess that up to about age 10 I was the “leader of the pack”. As I aged though, my self confidence lessened and along with it the number of my friends. I kept more and more to myself, was afraid to speak to people so that by the time I graduated my only close friend was my boyfriend and I stuck to him like glue. As I entered married life and had children of my own I slowly began to make new friends, some of my children’s friends’ parents and others at the church I joined. I slowly began to lose my shyness and gain some self confidence. I remember how shocked I was ten years ago when I walked into a surprise 40^th birthday party they had for me and I saw all these women from different areas of my life, all together with me to celebrate my special day.

This last decade has been a time of much change in my life and through it all I have gained even more friends and they have supported me in so many ways. Always I end up asking myself, why?  I can’t even begin to tell you all the things people have done for me and all the wonderful gifts and acts of kindness I have received over the years. What have I ever done to deserve such kindness and love. I honestly never can come up with an answer.

As I look at all my lovely birthday cards from folks, the words on them are so beautiful.

“There are so few people in the world like you; you deserve to know how special you are”

“Our friendship was meant to be, I can’t imagine not having you in my life”

I ask myself again what have I done to deserve all this? However, tonight as I sat singing during a Taize service I realized something. It doesn’t matter that I have no answers to the why...I will probably never understand it. What I do realize is that I just need to open my heart and accept it. The understanding isn’t necessary. I just have to let the love and care in and be grateful that I am so very blessed in this life to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Life is full of mysteries and sometimes not having the answers is okay.

So the forties are gone, the fifties have arrived. I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever felt more at peace with who I am and what I am doing in my life than I do tonight. I have everything I could ever want and more. I am full of energy and plan to make this next decade the best. I hope to make a difference to others in this world, one small step at a time. I have no idea how I will do that, but I am hopeful that I can make a difference to someone else even if it is just one person. I hope that whatever it is that I have done to deserve such a wonderful life complete with caring friends and family, that I will do it again a hundred times more in the years ahead. It’s time to pass it forward.

Thank you all, and thank you God for all of my life’s blessings.

So as another card I received today says,

“From tears and laughter with no room for regrets...and a smile that says    “You ain’t seen nothing yet!””

"A one night stand" along with "sex in a pan"
Yes I do say...the fifties are gonna be grand!

Lost in the Beauty

What a weekend....I travelled to Gabriola Island with a friend to spend the weekend in our friends’ cabin and to do some much desired hiking. There are many trails and pathways on Gabriola and we couldn’t wait to get started. The weather however was not that great....lots of rain and some wind but we had both purchased new hiking boots that were to be waterproof. .we were prepared.

My favourite rock being attacked by the waves in the stormy wind.

So Saturday morning after a great breakfast we headed out with the plan to hike the trail to the third turnoff to the beach and then head down and spend the morning on the beach before coming back up for lunch. The beauty that surrounded us was amazing. The maples were all in colour and the leaves were piled high along the trail. The many shades of yellows oranges and reds were so breath taking. Well in no time we had reached the third turn off...according to my friend I have only one speed and that it is pretty fast. She wanted to go further so we carried on along the same trail.

Amazing leaf colours covering the pathways

 After a bit of walking on this trail which is like a narrow roadway I saw a narrow trail and thought we should do some exploring so we decided to take it. I mean the trails in this area seemed to be on a grid so sooner or later I felt we would come to another spot to go left down to the beach. We followed along this trail which turned into a bit of a small dried creek bed. After spending some time on the trail we realized we were heading towards the roadway, not the beach so decided to take a left and head down another smaller trail. By now we are really bushwacking....climbing over fallen trees, going around other larger ones and weaving our way downward. We even startled a lovely deer that quickly flew through the forest and away from us. The rain becomes heavier and the ferns are thick and high and now we are soaked with really no idea where we are. Yet we were still having fun. Eventually I realize there are no sounds. No road traffic, no ocean waves I think this is enough, I am getting a bit scared. If we don’t come out at the beach we will have to back track so before we spend any more time going in the wrong direction we decided to head back towards the road. Finally we can see cars going by so we head in that direction, climb over one more large stump and head down the road. After walking along the road way we eventually found another entrance to the trail and we headed for home...the beach could wait.  I was so surprised heading home when we came to a Y in the trail and my friend said to go one way and I wanted to go the other way. She was right and somehow I had gotten myself turned around and had the ocean on my left instead of my right....it was a very strange sensation to get my head around the idea that we were going in the direction of home. I really need to get a compass I think and learn how  to use one.

Once back home we got into some dry clothes, enjoyed a wonderful warm lunch of soup and and sandwiches and then guess what...yes we headed out once again. This time we hopped in the car and drove to a spot where I had walked with my friends. I couldn’t find the exact entrance that we had used but there were many. This area is not dense forest and has nice pathways all marked with signage and names. It was a good place to walk seeing as we were in our last pair of dry jeans...I had thought we wouldn’t get wet. So we headed up the trail and continued to check the maps posted on top of the road posts. It was great. Then we needed to find the path called the "Path to Nowhere" We came to a path with no name on it but I felt it was where we needed to go. By now the rain has picked up and the wind is blowing and I think this will be the shortest way back to the car. So off we went. Within ten minutes we were in forested trails, ferns higher than our waists on a trail that twists and turns all over the place but we carried on.



Cathy still smiling while being lost amongst the tall wet ferns

After about 20 minutes we began to wonder if we would ever reach the connecting trail to our car. There are no posts, the trail we are on is really no more than an animal trail and it is heavily treed and not open like the road like trails we headed out on. But we also know we have made so many twists and turns that heading back the way we came could be quite impossible.  I am soaked...my jeans are heavy and I am getting cold. We have joked that this trail actually could be the trail to now where but we try to remain hopeful. I was starting to despair and ready to give up, picturing us wandering around and around in circles for hours getting now where. I thought of my friends who hike all over the place always with a very handy safety device called SPOT that will locate them if they become lost, which they never seem to be. I was thinking that I should have the SPOT with me however I knew that the park we were in was small, that there are many roadway entrances and we would eventually find one. My concern was when...how much longer til we could get dry and warm again.

More pretty leaves floating in the puddles

Finally when I had reached the stage of praying to God to help guide us, up ahead I could see the trees were smaller and thinning...yes thankfully there was a main trail with sign posts. We headed up the new trail, away from the car but at least on a path that we felt would connect us to the way we came in .Which it eventually did and two hours from the time we headed out we were back home in the safety of the warm cabin where we stayed put for the rest of the night.

In the morning we headed back down to the beach taking the shortest way possible. We didn’t need anymore adventures for this weekend.  As we reached the beach it was so calm. There was no rain, the water was no longer bashing up on the shoreline. I looked right and could see the stormy skies clearing and the lighter blue sky coming our way.

Storm cloud clearing, blue skies coming our way

As I looked left I could see the devastation of the nights wind and rain. There on the shore were two washed up tug boats. We see the tugboats going by regularly hauling their cargo to faraway places but here were two, obviously abandoned and waiting for the next high tide to lift them back out into the waters.

Two washed ashore tugboats waiting for the next high tide

 

So our wet hiking weekend has come to an end and the best thing...through it all, the puddles, the swamps, the wet ferns, I got soaked but you know what....my feet stayed perfectly dry in my new boots. 

My new boots still nice and dry!

I am not sure what new adventure I will next try but I do know that in two weeks I will be back on Gabriola, hiking with my sister and yes...I am definitely sticking to the trails I know!

Life and crunchy peaches

Last week I had some friends over for dinner. I am not a cook and I do not entertain often because I get so nervous that the food won’t turn out or something else will go wrong. Now preparing a dinner for these particular friends has an added complication due to the fact that they are vegan and I certainly am not. Last month’s dinner didn’t go too badly, I managed to cook up some mushrooms and some form of non meat chicken...whatever that is.   So this month I decided to take the easy route and do frozen pizza. How simple eh. I had no idea what to do for dessert and another friend suggested peaches. So I went and bought some the day before the dinner and without thinking I put them in the fridge where of course they wouldn’t ripen. To make matters worse the afternoon before the dinner did not go well so I didn’t bake or create anything with them as I had planned. As I cut up the peaches they were hard and crisp and I realized I hadn’t given the peaches the time or the atmosphere to mature into their ripened state and they were certainly not going to be their best. Following dinner, with not other ideas or options, I served my guests the peaches with a small bit of ice-cream.  They were good people and ate the hard, crunchy, non flavourful fruit with very little complaint. I must say there was the odd funny comment from one of them who didn’t really believe they could possibly even be peaches but it gave us all a laugh. Now a week later I have eaten the last two peaches, which I had left out to nicely ripen. They were so good, full of sweet flavourful juice. They were at that stage where they were their very best.

It got me to thinking about life and wondering, are we like those peaches?  As we journey through life are we ripening?  When we are younger we have so much to learn, are sometimes less confident and spend our time wondering what we should do with our lives. As we age we become more comfortable with whom we are and we seem to know what we want from life and what is right for us. We finally feel comfortable in our own skin and are more accepting to who we are and spend less time being concerned about what others may think. We are middle aged and beyond and we are at our best.   So it has me wondering. Is that what this life here on earth is all about? We start off like a small bloom, and grow into a lovely fruit.  When we leave home we have been “picked” to journey onward on our own. With care and love and warmth we will ripen and grow into the people we were meant to be and know we are loved for who we are. We are full of flavour, mature and at our very best. Later in life our bodies will start to fail us, like peaches left too long. As our bodies decline and prepare to return to the earth, I don’t believe our soul, the part of us that makes us who we are, will ever lose it's sweet, juicy flavourful self, it is ripened and ready for the next stage of our journey whatever that may be.

Hmmm, something to think more about. As I head towards turning 50 I hope I have reached that ripened state and have left behind my hard, crunchy unsure self. :)

It's a whole new world

I have been to Gabriola three or four times now over this past two years. The first time, I came in the summer and spent the day here visiting friends who have a cabin overlooking the ocean. We went to the Saturday market and they drove me around the island giving me a glimpse of what was here and then we shared a lovely dinner on their deck. Since that first visit I have come over twice on my own or with a friend and spent the weekend at their cabin, once in the early spring and once in the fall. I spent time exploring all the island trails but mostly stayed warm, meditating and reading in front of the cabin fire.

I am now here for an overnight stay on my own in the middle of summertime on a long weekend. Let me tell you....it's whole new world here on Gabriola in the summer. Upon my arrival I noticed all the people, many riding bikes along the road side. I arrived at the cabin and quickly unpacked my car and was on the deck eating my lunch within minutes. There was no wood to chop, no fire to light just the good sun shining down upon me bringing its natural warmth. When I come in the spring or fall I rarely see anyone about but this time I knew would be different as both neighbours were having their families over. Still it was nice and peaceful on the deck as I ate my lunch. However upon viewing the one trailer, two tent trailers, one tent and five cars next door I did not expect the quiet to continue throughout the day.

After lunch I decided to go check out the beach. Normally I would hike down there, sit in almost solitude and enjoy the peaceful sounds of the waves as they hit the beach. Today however not knowing what to expect I decided to drive down geared with swimsuit, towel, chair, a drink and reading material. As I parked my car along next to the other 21 vehicles I was thankful I had driven.  I walked along the trail and passed six bikes and a scooter and mentally prepared myself for a packed beach. I must say there were 50-75 people on the beach along with approximately 10 dogs. However it was nice and restful hearing all their chatter and laughter and I managed to go for a couple of swims.

90 minutes later I returned to the cabin and took my second shower of the day, removing all the sea salt from my skin and well, I had a nap. Following dinner as much as I was tempted to continue to be lazy on the deck I did not want to waste my time sitting around so I headed off for a hike. Now preparing to hike I realized I did not need the usua jacket, thankfully as I didn't even pack one, I did not need warm pants or a rain hat, so feeling rather lightly loaded I headed off in my tank top and shorts taking only a water bottle along just in case. 


Beautiful daisies along the trail


The trails were dead quiet. There were no people walking with their dogs only the silence of the forest. I could hear what I hoped were little birds rattling in the bushes as I passed by. The scenes were totally different from what I was used to. Where there usually was short green moist grass there was long dry grasses, where I used to jump around puddles there was dried hard dirt. There were flowers blooming along the way. The whole place looked different. I was a bit concerned on whether I would find my way. I had decided to take the upper trail and then head back down to the beach further along but totally missed the first turnoff, as nothing looked as it had in the fall. I then reached my favourite place in the fall....which I quickly decided, is not my favourite place in the summer. It is all dried up and brown. Eventually I came to the next turn off and headed down and back towards the ocean. Upon approaching the beach I found, what I have decided is my favourite summer spot. In the winter it is flooded and one has to hop from little log to little log to avoid stepping in the marshy grasses. In the summer, one can walk through the grasses stepping over the logs and the view. It is beautiful with the ocean peeking through the trees.

My favourite summer place


The tide was now in and there was no one in site at first glance. Soon however down they came...adults loaded with towels for their evening swim. I rested for 15 minutes enjoying the sounds of the waves hitting the shore. On my way up I passed a few more adults on their way down. Obviously they preferred the cool evening waters and the quiet beaches over the sand, children and dogs of the afternoon.
Upon returning to the cabin I took my third shower of the day, as it has become very muggy outside and well I needed a shower and a cold one at that. The neighbours to the left all seem to be back and it was kinda like being in a campsite...lots of laughter and chatter as they sat around in a circle enjoying each other’s company. I sat out on the deck, in my pajamas enjoying the night air enjoying reading a book. Eventually I went to bed but had to keep getting up as the moon was quite full and its light reflecting off the water was so wonderful to see. Five hours later I must admit I was up again watching the colours of the sky change as the sun slowly rose. It was an amazing site with beautiful oranges and reds.


Sunrise

 I am just so amazed at the difference in the island life from one season to the next. They all their good points and their downsides and I am not sure which one I prefer but am leaning towards fall. I love the warmth of a fire, rather than the heat of the sun and the quietness of the beaches in the fall give me lots of space for reflection. However I have to admit it was nice to be able to go swimming in the ocean and sit out on the deck and enjoy the beautiful view.
 
I am so very thankful to be able to go to Gabriola and see all the many differences of the seasons on the island...it truly is like coming to a whole new world and exploring somewhat familiar territories with new eyes and thankfulness for all that God provides for us on this earth. (And I am also very thankful for such generous friends who are willing to share their island paradise)

Car decals

Last year my youngest daughter decorated the back window of her vehicle with the members of her household....not of all her family but of those she lives with. She had herself, her partner, his cat, her fish and has now added two rabbits. I think it is so cool. Now when I drive or walk around town I can’t help but notice the decals...it is amazing to me all the children and pets some folks have.

I myself am not one to put stickers on my car but I love these family decals. It makes me believe that in this world of violence, crime and wars there is still so much love. The people that place these decals on their cars are proud of the people in their home and are placing the stickers on their vehicles with love.

I once lived in a household with two adults, three children, two cats, a dog and a rabbit. It would be so cool to place all these stickers on my window but my life has since changed. My children are all adults and have moved out, the pets have all passed on except for one and I moved out on my own many years ago.  So here is my problem. I love the decals. I want to put them on my car, but I live alone with a fish.  I have a fairly large family, I have loads of wonderful loving friends but the fact is I live alone with a fish. It is all basically by choice but I am too embarrassed to only put myself and a fish on the back of my car for all to see and I am not sure why. I feel it might make me look unlovable and although I used to feel that way at times, I certainly don’t now.

A friend of mine wrote a wonderful blog about humility and being humble and it has given me lots to think about.  I guess I need to be humble about who I am and face the fact that I live alone with a fish. I always seem to have so much pride. It has gotten me into so much trouble and in some cases caused me a lot of pain. Hopefully these past experiences have taught me something. Yet, I am not sure what I will do....swallow my pride and get the two decals, go and buy a dog so I have at least three decals, or just drive around envious of all those out there with their back windows full.

In a few months I will celebrate my birthday and move into the next decade. I would like to think that it will bring great change in myself and that I will be a wiser, better and more humble person. I mean really my life is more than half over, it is time to “grow up”.  Its not that I walk around being boastful about myself, nor do I think I am this great wonderful person, but the thought of having only myself and a fish on the back of my window does somehow bring embarrassment to me.

So the question is....will I do it? Will I be brave enough? And most importantly can I be humble enough to let every who sees me in my car know that , well....I live alone with a fish?