The MOON

I have always been drawn to the moon so much so that years ago I had my daughter paint me a picture of a woman with her arms extended upwards to a beautiful full moon in the dark night sky. It hangs in my bedroom where I can view it each night. Tonight the moon was full and said to be 14X brighter and closer to earth than usual. So of course out I went to seek the moon. It was brilliant, huge and bright as it came into view. I am not really sure what draws me to the full moon, the light that it brings on a dark night, the brilliant yellow glow that comes off of it or the face that is always looking down upon me. Somehow though when I sit and admire it’s beauty I feel spiritually filled. I feel closer to God when I see the moon even more so than a colourful sunrise or sunset. It reminds me of the beauty of all that God created and how wonderful this world is. Maybe that is why I am drawn to seek out the moon, because it brings me a sense of peace and fulfilment and a feeling of happiness

Moving On

Life is all about moving on. We have to keep moving, growing and changing in order to survive. Without change in our life we would become like bread when it is left just lying around, dried up and stale.

We are born as little helpless babies who need others to provide the necessities of life for us, to love and care for us. As we grow and develop we learn to care for ourselves. It isn’t easy. Think how many times a baby will topple over as they learn to sit, how many times they will fall as they learn to walk. It all takes strength and courage to keep trying until finally we are able to run. As babies we learn from being curious and exploring and from those who care for us. As children our teachers in life come from many sources in our families and communities. Yet I believe we learn the most in life from our own experiences, our own challenges and our own mistakes. I can’t say I am proud of everything I have done in my life. I do have regrets but I also have the understanding of why I made the choices I did and have accepted them. Just like learning to sit and walk it has taken strength and courage to move on and become who I am today. I know that I am a strong, capable person and that all shall be well and if not, well I can handle it. I mostly now am able to look with excitement to new experiences and changes but I have to admit there is still a little underlying fear.

There are no guarantees in life that “all shall be well” but the phrase keeps me hopeful and strong. They say “God never gives us more than we can handle” and it seems to be true. These next 6 months are going to bring many changes in my life and I am looking forward to some of the change and the challenge it will bring but as always with the unknown there is also a little feeling of fear that comes and goes. There will be loss, huge loss and yet I try and focus and am hopeful on what other good things will come and what growth this change will bring to me and my life and where it will lead me.

My son has a strong belief in thinking positive thoughts and focusing on the positive in life. I have been trying this for a while now and it really does seem to be very helpful. Yet as I try to keep my mind focused on what positive new adventures will come in these next few months, I can’t help but wonder if I am just avoiding the downside of it all. I ask myself is that really healthy? I know there is no point in dwelling on the negative. What will be, will be and I know I have the strength and courage to handle whatever will come. I shall keep positive and pray that I this is the right thing to do and that I am not just avoiding my true feelings. Like a child learning to walk I shall keep going forward and if I stumble and fall I shall get back up and just keep moving on. I mean really...how bad can it be to say good bye to friends and staff members in both offices and attempt to keep things running smoothly....should be a piece of cake...right? I am so blessed to have the support of family and friends who surround me with caring and kindness whether I succeed or stumble and fall. Life is good, God is great and onward I shall go!

What a Morning!

What a glorious weekend. It is Easter weekend and for many reasons I think it will be a time I remember for many years to come. Journeying from Maundy Thursday to Easter Sunday has brought such clarity to my life and a peaceful feeling to my heart.

Looking back I can’t honestly say what was preached about on Thursday or even Friday but I know they both brought me to an interesting place in my life. For as long as I can remember I have had a hard time forgiving myself. I didn’t seem to have problems forgiving others; it was myself that I struggled with. With counselling and spiritual guidance over these past years I have come to a place where I have forgiven myself for past errors in choice and can even move on from the mistakes I make today. Now though I am wondering if I have truly forgiven others for their past errors.

Last night my children and some of their partners all joined me for Easter dinner. It was a fun day with playing video games, sharing in the cooking with my eldest daughter, and desert being a cute chocolate bunny cake decorated by my youngest. Even though they are all in their 20’s they went out to do the yearly Easter hunt with some enthusiasm. After dinner we played a board game...something that probably will soon be a thing of the past. There was great conversation, lots of laughs and even though I lost, it was great fun.

This morning I attended the Sunrise service out by the lake. As I slowly dragged myself out of bed I thought I really could skip this service, there is no need for me to be there. Minutes later as I stepped out my front door I was so thrilled that I had gotten up. The sky was clear with a few wispy clouds turning pick as the sun began to rise. I quickly drove to the lake not wanting to miss a bit of the sun coming up over the mountains. As we gathered in the cold, clothed in warm coats, toques and gloves the sun peeked over the hill top bringing deep warmth to our bodies. You could actually feel the heat touching your skin and flowing through your body. It felt and looked beautiful and when a flock of geese flew over honking as we said the Lord’s prayer it was just a truly amazing and extraordinary experience. The words spoken and the sun shining on me not only warmed my body but my heart as well and I felt so grateful to be a part of this experience.

Following the sunrise service I attended the regular service with my youngest daughter and her partner. We had a special gift of music. Five young adult girls along with our children’s choir and adult choir presented a beautiful piece of music. Hallelujah, by Leonard Cohen with words by Kelly Mooney, an amazing song that tells the story of Jesus’ last days.  It brought goose bumps to my body and soul. So twice in one day I was touched by a service that was uplifting and gave one hope that anything in this  world is possible...even peace for all.

As life moves on with many changes ahead for me in my work and church life I have come to peace with what will be and am beginning to look forward to the challenge ahead. Life is such a gift and I am so blessed in this life, surrounded by wonderful family and friends, a comfy place to call my home and a spiritual place to work in. That alone is enough to fill my cup and bring me a deep inner happiness but my church family and friends and the experiences we share together cause my cup to overflow with warmth, care and love.  

Easter blessings to all of you who made this Easter weekend one that I will never forget.

Changes

I seem to be making more and more changes to my lifestyle these days and some of it is rather shocking even to me.  I mean, last fall I joined a gym, I now eat three or four times the vegetables I used to, I started eating salads with spinach, I’ve added beans to my diet and now the shocker of all shocker is I have just started to drink soy milk. I had decided to try a soy based shake to help me get the nutrients I need plus I am hoping it will help me lose my tummy fat. So the other day I bought the soy milk and tried it. It really is okay and tastes pretty good in the shake. But now well let me be truly honest, the real reason I have sunk to the soy level.....HOT FLASHES. They started two months ago and are literally driving me insane. I know I will survive because every other woman has but really they are a bit much. They come on 24/7 and seem to zap my energy along with any brain cells I may have been trying to use at the time. Needless to say I have not been working to my full capacity because I am sleep deprived, hot and sweaty and then cold and shaky. I dress in layers, the sweaters go on and then sweaters come off. Going to the gym is almost a nightmare. I have never been one to perspire much but now my body turns into a lake. At night the covers are many and deep and then they are tossed aside in a hurried frenzy. At times I just want out of my skin it is so hot. Fifteen minutes later it ends and I grab, re-sort the covers and bury myself back under them and try to feel warm even though I am now freezing cold and clammy. It truly is enough to make one go insane.

For years I have always given God a female gender even though I really don’t believe God has any gender at all but it has been fun to tease and irk some people. Frankly at this point in my life I can’t even joke about it because I believe God is creator of all and there isn’t a chance in h____ anything female would even consider dumping all this on a person. Personally I really have no idea what males go through with their bodies as they journey through life but in my opinion I think women have gotten a bad deal and these last two months have confirmed my beliefs. I may even have to agree that God must be male...it really seems to be the only reasoning in all of this.

So life shall carry on but if you happen to run into me be prepared. I may be cold,  I may be hot. I may begin to remove clothing from my body, fan myself and totally speak incoherently (although I do this regularly anyway) but as with everything in life...this too will pass....I just hope it passes very quickly  and I can get back to my breakfast of honey nut cheerios and my regular moo milk. I mean I don’t want to get too healthy. It may give people the wrong impression and they will start to feed me mushrooms or tofu J

Goal Achieved !!

Last month I had my last training session and check in at the gym. I have reached my goal!!  I have lost over 15 pounds, quite a few inches and I feel pretty good about it all.  Not only has my 4 months at the gym given me a healthier body, an improved look but it has also shown me that sometimes when we try new things we can be pleasantly surprised. I was so sure I did not want to join the gym and have a trainer but I have totally enjoyed it and hope to continue on. I will admit it is not always easy to make myself get up out of bed at 5 am and get down to the gym and it will take even more will power to continue to do this now that I have reached my goal, but I do not want to lose all that I have gained nor gain all that I have lost. J My trainer at the gym has been so great and so much fun that I shall miss having her harp on me to keep doing more and more exercises but I have my program and it is time to fly solo and carry on. After all at my age one shouldn’t need someone to “whip” them into shape.

So I have set some new goals for the gym and it is probably time I set some new goals in my life. I am not really one to set goals but I believe the time has come, otherwise I think life could just pass by and be over before I know it. I want to live life and not just live. Time goes by so quickly and I always feel I still have lots of time in my life to do the things I want to do but one never really knows do they. There are no guarantees in life that I will get a tomorrow. So what to do, what to do? What can be my next goal....what do I want to try to do that is new and exciting that will help me to grow as a person.

In the last month I have had two support people in my life tell me to make lists. One person suggested I list all the things I enjoy doing in life...the other person suggested I list all the skills I have plus all the things I like to do in life but do badly. I have created these lists and they are very short. And I still don’t know what I want to do, what next goal I need to reach. In the last couple of weeks I have also had two people tell me that I talk so much that I answer my own questions. So...maybe it is time to get back to meditation and prayer, to be quiet and to listen. Hopefully God will gently whisper in my ear and guide me to a new goal and a new challenge. I shall remain hopeful.

What a Glorious Day!

Last November my kids gave me a coupon for a day of tubing at Mt Washington. Today I cashed in my coupon and had the most wonderful day. Five of us piled into my car and shared a 2 hour drive up to Mt Washington. Although the skies were blue when we left town it soon became cloudy and foggy. The drive was spent with us all talking about so many different things. There were lots of laughs along the way. As my little car struggled up the mountain...I mean it did have more of a load that it is used to...we finally reached the height above the fog and clouds and the sunny blue sky was once again all that was above us. The other two young adults, who live in Comox met us up there. We hiked down to the tubing area and waited for it to open. As we waited I observed the hill.  It wasn’t as long as I had pictured but much steeper. This was going to be a very interesting adventure!

Finally the time came for me to hop in a tube and be towed to the top. The ride up was slow and gave one time to admire the beauty of creation. The majestic snow covered mountain tops in the distance had the sun shining down upon them.  The snow was a glistening pure white. Once reaching the top there were three runs to choose from. I chose the closest and away I went. The fear that went through my body as I realized how fast I was going caused me to close my eyes and take some deep breaths telling myself that I would be fine. Eventually after a few seconds I could open my eyes and laugh and enjoy the thrill of the ride down. In all I made 6 trips down the mountain, one trip with each couple, hanging onto each other’s tubes and getting a good spin to send us off, one trip where the four of us women went together and then one final trip on my own.  It is amazing how fast you go and you spin around ending up facing backwards for part of the journey. We spent two hours tubing and then headed back down the mountain.

Driving down the mountain we could look out at the mountains in the distance and looking below see the most beautiful white fluffy clouds. They looked like an ocean of cloud. It’s beauty had me feeling teary which I kept quietly to myself to avoid the teasing from the boys. It was just so amazing.

In Comox we had a tasty lunch at a lovely small restaurant all trying new items with wonderfully flavoured sauces and then finishing the lunch off with us all sharing a big ice cream, chocolate brownie, banana desert. So yummy! Before heading back home we took the time to stop by and check out my daughters new home which they are renovating, and made a quick stop at the mall where we all got a small treat at a discount store. The seven of us had never spent a full day together and it truly was a very joyous fun day.

So my birthday gift coupon was for tubing but what I received was the most awesome day with my young adult children and their partners surrounded by the wonder of creation. I couldn’t help but be awed by the beauty of the earth and to feel so blessed to have such caring, fun loving people as part of my family. I honestly could never have asked for a more perfect gift, a more perfect day, it was the very best!

A New Year with new beginnings

2012 has arrived and I think caught me by surprise. It seems like just yesterday that I was celebrating 2011 and thinking of all the wonderful adventures it would bring. I never make New Year resolutions but instead I make what some would call a “bucket list” of things to accomplish and personal traits to change. Now last year was a very exciting year and many items on my list were fulfilled which makes this year’s list even harder to compose.

My biggest hope for this year is to develop at attitude of positivity. I want to see the cup half full – always – instead of half empty. I want to be happy and uplifting instead of always being negative and whining about my life. This is not going to be an easy feat. Although I mostly feel happy and know how blessed I am in my life I do have a huge tendency to complain and natter about life.

Like this morning for instance. I returned to the gym and the weigh scale. Now a month ago I was celebrating the fact that I had lost 11.5 pounds and right before Christmas I had lost 14 and was only a pound away from my goal. This morning though I am back to where I was a month ago. I had to stop myself from the negative thoughts of ...."oh a whole month of morning exercise wasted, a whole month of dieting gone"....I had to keep bringing myself back to “wow I only gained four pounds over the whole holiday, is that ever great and I will soon lose it “. I know can do it.

This year will be full of new beginnings and new hopes. My son is getting married where I will focus on the happiness of the event and not the stress the busyness of it all will bring, the current folks I work with will retire and move on and I will try to let go with grace and look at the new folks with openness and hope, I will celebrate my 50^th birthday and be thankful for reaching this number and probably it is time to look ahead at my working life. I have 15 more years before retirement and maybe it is time for change. If not in my work, then maybe in my volunteer work, to find a way to give back what I have received from others. In all ways it will be a year of great change and growth which I shall try to look on with great excitement instead of the fear that change usually brings to me.

So my bucket list this year is very short and yet bigger than any other list I have had. I am not sure I am going to have the energy required to be upbeat and positive 24/7 but I am sure going to try. I believe it will require a new outlook on life, time spent in quiet meditation and a constant state of mindfulness to bring myself back to “the cup half full”.

I wish you all a healthy and adventurous 2012 that will bring happiness to you and your families. Let’s not just celebrate the steps we have taken but look forward to the path ahead with great excitement and anticipation.

Happy New Year ( a day late...but on a positive note...better late than never. LOL)