Mystery, Magic and Miracles

It’s that time of the year again! Christmas....it is my favourite holiday and every year it arrives sooner than expected and is over even faster. It is a time for magic, mystery and miracles, a time that is celebrated all around the world.

Christmas is the time we celebrate the birth of Christ, a little child that came to us through God to teach us how to live life and show us the way. So much mystery surrounds Jesus’ birth, life and resurrection. It is said that he was born of a virgin, which, many would think impossible. It is said that he performed miracles and healed people and brought some back to life. Then following his death upon the cross he was miraculously resurrected and came back and reassured his disciples. How could all of this be possible? To me it is one of life’s biggest mysteries and requires a very deep faith to believe but the bible teaches us that all things are possible through God. 

Each year children delight in the magic of Christmas, waiting patiently (or not) for the fat man in the red suit to arrive. Santas can be seen all around the town. Children line up to put in their request for this year’s special gift and then try to be good until the eve of Christmas when Santa will magically slide down the chimney and fill their stockings and deposit their gifts. He flies around the world in his sleigh with magical reindeer and even though some houses don’t have chimneys he manages to fulfill his promise. It is a wonderful time and even the adults get caught up in the magic of Santa and delight in the joy of the children.

Christmas is a time when miracles still happen like they did long ago in a stable. People are filled with love and they share that love and joy with others. People smile and wish each other a Merry Christmas to those they pass on the street. Family and friends gather to spend time together. They come to share a meal, exchange gifts, sing carols and celebrate. In many families it is the only time that they all get together. People open their hearts to those in need and share their time and gifts with others. The love that surrounds us each Christmas is magical and it touches us all. It is a time when peace in this world seems possible and someday the miracle of everyone living in peace may actually happen.

So as I decorate my home, wrap the gifts, and bake the Christmas cookies I can’t help but think about the mystery, the miracles and the magic that happens each year at this time. I reflect on the birth of Christ, the story of St .Nick and feel the love that surrounds us all. I know this time will come and leave quickly but not before I am touched by the love of friends, family and a little baby born in a stable long ago.

Pathways

          

I love this picture. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of life, of the journey we are all on, the pathways we travel. In life we never know what lies ahead. It is always a mystery. Even though we plan and prepare for each day, week and month when we awake to a new day we really have no idea exactly what will happen. There are no guarantees that our plans will unfold as we had hoped. Life is a journey, a pathway taking us into the unknown. We wonder and wait for what lies up ahead or around the next corner.

In this picture we can see the light up ahead which to me represents hope. Although things may not always go as planned, though we may have to walk through some darkness in our lives, there is always hope and light in our future.

Helplessness

Helplessness: Unable to help oneself; powerless or incompetent

It is a feeling I had never heard of for most of my life but it is one I have gotten to know and understand. It is also one I try very hard to avoid.

Growing up I am certain there were millions of times that I experienced helplessness but at that time I had no name for the feeling. It was just a sense of powerlessness, unable to protect myself from the terrible night time dreams, the spanking with the wooden spoon or belt, the teasing from other children, from life in general.  It was just part of my life.

As I became an adult and eventually a parent the feeling of helplessness was almost a constant everyday occurrence. We all want what is best for our children, we want to protect them and keep them safe, we want them to live happy fulfilling lives. When they are young we are more able to protect them than at any other time in their lives. Once they head off to school things are out of our control. We are left standing at the door, helpless to protect them from the outside world. My youngest daughter especially has struggled so much in life and I want nothing more to help her to keep her safe and protected but it is something I am not capable of doing. The bullying in middle school, the abusive boyfriends, are all things I would have liked to have stopped before they began but it was not in my control. Once our children reach young adulthood we have to let them go, allow them to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes. It isn’t that we can’t help them with advice but there is no way to choose for them and the feeling of helplessness increases.

I first heard of the word helplessness when I took a mindfulness class back in 2002 and each week we would describe how we were feeling and share our week and feelings with others. Being “mindful of how things really are” brings awareness to the underlying feelings one experiences. I have a pattern of feeling guilty over a lot of things in my life but I have learned that in most instances the underlying feeling of the guilt is helplessness. I am helpless to help my children financially and helpless to keep them safe out in the working world. I know there are many things I can do but there is so much more I would like to be able to do.

This past spring I was helping to care for a friend of mine’s Mum while they were off travelling and working abroad. I was called by the homecare in the afternoon and told that they were beginning end of life care for this wonderful woman and they asked me to contact her son. It was 11:00 p.m. where they were and thankfully before I made that call someone stopped me and said, “Don’t call now, you will just leave them lying there all night with the feeling of helplessness”. As guilty as I felt about not notifying them right away I could see the wisdom in her words. I knew there was nothing worse than that feeling of helplessness. I waited till dawn to make that call.

This coming Friday is Remembrance Day in our country. It is a day to remember all those who fought and died for our freedom, a day for us to show our respect and thankfulness to those men and woman who risked their lives to stop the evil that was happening in Europe.  We also acknowledge this day at our Sunday Service at church, a service I have normally skipped for the last 10 years.  In years prior to this there was always the service at my children’s school, the service at the Cenotaph with the Guiding and Scouting and the service at the church. I always attended and have used this as an excuse not to have to go to them any longer.

So for the past 10 years I have not attended, until this morning. I went because I was in someway “guilted” into attending. I could not explain why I didn’t like attending and why I avoid going to these services but I knew there was something I did not like about them. As the service began the guilt hit me. The guilt of not feeling I feel thankful enough for my freedom, the guilt of having such a wonderful life, to live in a country where I have enough food and water for myself and my family and so many, many wonderful things that are so unnecessary.  It didn’t take me long to recognize that familiar feeling of helplessness underlying it all. I sat there with the sense of helplessness throughout the entire service and realized this is what I try to avoid, why I stay home, why I usually “skip”.   I sat there feeling there is nothing I can do to help those whose lives are filled with violence, poverty, and war. I sat there wanting to feel more thankful, wanting the world to be at peace, wanting all children to have the lives they deserve, the food and nourishment their bodies need. I sat there with the guilt because I really just wanted to go home and pretend that the world really is a beautiful place for all.

World peace is something that we all want, we all desire but it is not in my control, I am powerless and incompetent to stop the evil that exists in today’s world and I am selfish enough to not want to step up and do something about it. I want to avoid hearing the horrors that little children suffer at the hands of others. And the guilt eats at me because I don’t feel thankful enough for all that I have because I know it is something that everyone, all people in this world deserve, just as much and if not more than I do.

The feeling of helplessness....I don’t like it much....but I guess I can’t keep avoiding it.                             I need to sit with it, be mindful of its presence and welcome it in.

                                                                       Lest We Forget

Gym, Gym and more Gym

It has been a month since I began my working out at the gym and since my personal trainer told me I was FAT.  I have faithfully been going five days a week and following her instructions...well mostly. It has been so very hard and even harder on the days when I work with her. She is one tough woman. One of the exercises I do involves standing on one leg and bending down and touching the floor with a five pound weight. Now I am a bit tippy and so regularly my foot would lightly touch the ground or I would be unable to reach the ground. As she stood their counting each up and down trip, these uncompleted trips never counted and I had to do more to make them up. Riding the bike one would think wouldn’t be too bad but not when your trainer is standing there making sure you remain standing up while riding the bike and each time you try to rest she harasses you until you once again begin pedaling. By the end of each session I felt like I was going to die. Dizzy, exhausted, heart pounding I would thankfully head out to my car where I could sit down and breathe. Lately it has been harder and harder to get up and head down there.

Today, however, was my one month check in. It went great. I was so happy to find that I had lost 5.5 pounds and approximately 3 inches. Unfortunately the three inches weren’t all off my waist but half of them were so that is not too bad. My trainer though was not even slightly excited....there was no pat on the back ....you’ve done great or wow that is awesome! What there was, was her saying “well you could have lost more weight so let’s talk about nutrition”. She obviously had forgotten that the last time we met I told her that talking about food sets me off and I usually get very grumpy when people try and tell me what to eat and how to eat healthy.  I always feel I am surrounded by health addicts and vegetarians and somehow it ends up making me feel guilty for the things I choose to eat. Today however things were different. I sat there as she showed me how to enter the foods I eat, to see the meal plans and the shopping list required to make all the suggested meals for a week. Now am I going to do this? No. Why did I sit there so politely listening to her? I knew the other option would be to go and work out in the gym with her hounding  me to keep going and frankly I decided to treat myself to just sitting comfortably in a chair listening.

I now have set another goal to lose five more pounds by Christmas which will be harder than this last month due to the fact that there are so many meals out and parties to attend to over the holiday season. So although I shall attempt to do my best I am not very hopeful that I can accomplish this. But then I honestly never thought I would become someone who goes to the gym, who has a trainer and doesn’t just throw in the towel over it all. It just goes to show you that one never knows where life will lead you. As much as I would rather be on the couch with my bag of potato chips, life seems to have me down at the gym balancing on a ball and lifting weights. But hey, at least according to my BMI I am no longer FAT!

Rest and Restore

I have returned from an awesome weekend! I went with a friend to a quiet peaceful cabin on a beautiful island. The minute we walked into the cabin we could just feel the peacefulness of the cabin enfold us, we stood where we were and breathed. The weekend was full of quietness, reading books, journaling, prayers, meditation and the sharing of stories. Time was spent walking the beaches, exploring the trails and just being in awe over nature and creation.

I arrived at the island tired, my mind full of work and family items. I left the island feeling restored and rested. It has made me realize how important it is in life to slow down to just be quiet and still our minds. We all need to find time to remove ourselves from the stress and busyness of life, to escape from all of the television, computers and electronic gizmos that occupy so much of our time.  There is so much going on around us that we never have time to just be with our thoughts and feelings, to sink deep within ourselves and find out who we are. 

Now being back at work for the last two days and out every evening, I sit here and take the time to close my eyes and put myself back into the quiet cabin, down at the beach listening to the peaceful waves coming to shore, walking the trails amongst the ferns and trees in the forest...and I deeply breathe.  Remembering the sounds and feelings can still bring me peace, and quiet my rambling mind.

You don’t have to really go away to find all of these things, it is much easier when we are away but we can do all this in our own home towns. It takes a lot of self control to shut off the television and the computer, to take ourselves outdoors and experience the tranquility that nature has to offer us, to sit quietly meditating, to journal and to breathe deeply, but it can be done. I hope I can do this, give myself the time each week to rest and restore but I know my self discipline is going to need a lot of work. It won’t be easy nor near as much fun as this past weekend was but I feel it will be well worth the effort.

I am so thankful for this past weekend, for friendships, for the ocean waves, the quiet forests ...I feel so blessed to have had this time. Life is such a gift and so are special friends.

Mystery in Life

There is so much mystery in life. We live our whole life with questions, which will never be answered. How was the world created? Is there a God or many Gods? When will we die? Why do we die? It is all a big mystery. Sometimes it would be nice to know the answers, to be able to see what lies ahead but I think if we did we would become very bored. It is in the questions that we seek to learn and to grow, to explore new ideas and adventures.

Over these past few months many friends have lost a parent...they were elderly and ready to go but still losing a loved one is painful. In the next four days we will be celebrating the lives of three members of our congregation....some were elderly, the other stricken with cancer too young to die. In all of this there’s no reasoning. One just has to accept what has happened and carry on. Bad things do happen to good people. And the “why” question remains unanswered.  I myself believe in God the creator, in God who loves all people and wants what is best for us. However I don’t believe God has control over all that happens here in this world. I can’t believe that because a loving God would never let children die, wars happen or see so many people go hungry or be abused. I grew up hearing my Dad say “nothing is fair in this old world so you better get used to it” and he was right. Much about life isn’t fair. Why should some have so much, why do some have so little? Why do some live unhealthy lifestyles and live to be 100 while others who eat well and exercise, are stricken down in their youth?

So life remains a mystery and we all just carry on the best we can, caring for each other, this world and all those who live in it. Sometimes it gets hard, we pray for answers that don’t come. I guess we just need to live with the questions, continue to seek the answers and enjoy the journey along the way....but sometimes...it gets tough. It really is a mystery.

Apparently I'm Fat!

Two weeks ago I joined a gym along with a few friends. I have never liked gyms and never even thought seriously about exercising.  I have always walked with friends and kept active so I felt there was no need to go to a gym. I had tried it years ago and quickly quit BUT this time around it has been different. The place isn’t busy, the walls not covered in mirrors and I can just let myself in anytime and do my own thing. It has been fun comparing points etc with friends and having a small fun competition. Yesterday it all changed. I went for my physical fitness/health test. I must admit I was very nervous...I didn’t like the idea of having someone watch me doing the exercises but she was very kind and lots of fun. In many ways I did better than I had hoped.  The news she gave me afterwards was not so great.

Apparently I’m fat!  Now to many this probably is not shocking but to someone who grew up with the nick name “Skinny Linny” it is rather devastating to have someone tell you, you are fat.  24 hours later I have decided I really don’t like it much. The thing is, I love food. For years I have been surrounded by people who eat vegetables and are all into their health. I have rebelled because I feel life is too short to go around worrying about what you are eating. I’ll admit there is so much “junk” in the food these days that I shouldn’t be eating it but I figure it is a bit late now to start fretting about it. I love my chips and icecream and there is nothing better after a meal that a little snack of an Oreo cookie to just sweeten the taste.

If nothing else this has made me have great compassion for the overweight children in the world. How horrid it must be to have kids teasing you and calling you fat. I feel very blessed that all my young life I could eat whatever I wanted and never had to worry about weight until now. I ran into my daughter today and told her that I really didn’t like being called fat and she chuckled and replied that she could tell that. I guess I have been grumbling nonstop since yesterday afternoon.

So I sit writing this while my veggies are cooking ready for my dietary dinner. I really doubt this is going to help me lose the 15 pounds required so that I am no longer labelled “fat”. Two years ago I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now. I got serious and quickly lost the weight. I know I still have more to lose and I have tried over this past year on and off to lose weight and haven’t lost a pound. Salads for my lunches, veggies for dinner and no potato chips...nothing changed so I went back to eating the way I like to enjoying my comfort food.

The thing is, I signed up for 6 months of torture with this personal trainer and promised her that I would change my attitude, my lifestyle and lose the weight. She would give me guidance and exercises that supposedly will decrease my waistline (which now is the same measurement as my chest and almost the same as my hips). I appear to be tube shaped! I really am not so sure I want to do this though. Now that I know I can’t eat my comfort food it is all I crave. I am afraid the word “fat” has taken away the fun of going to the gym and the little competition but I suppose I shall get over it soon and carry on.

Really though is it all that important? Life is so short...I am so past the half way point. Shouldn’t we all just be making the most of the time we have here and enjoy it and the wonderful food life has to offer? Yes it may cause us to become ill or die too soon but it really seems to be the luck of the draw as way too many health conscious people still die from diseases. Time will tell I suppose...and in the meantime I will once again try to eat healthy and exercise more but I want everyone to know I am not happy about this and I have never felt so fat before in my life.