Goal Achieved !!

Last month I had my last training session and check in at the gym. I have reached my goal!!  I have lost over 15 pounds, quite a few inches and I feel pretty good about it all.  Not only has my 4 months at the gym given me a healthier body, an improved look but it has also shown me that sometimes when we try new things we can be pleasantly surprised. I was so sure I did not want to join the gym and have a trainer but I have totally enjoyed it and hope to continue on. I will admit it is not always easy to make myself get up out of bed at 5 am and get down to the gym and it will take even more will power to continue to do this now that I have reached my goal, but I do not want to lose all that I have gained nor gain all that I have lost. J My trainer at the gym has been so great and so much fun that I shall miss having her harp on me to keep doing more and more exercises but I have my program and it is time to fly solo and carry on. After all at my age one shouldn’t need someone to “whip” them into shape.

So I have set some new goals for the gym and it is probably time I set some new goals in my life. I am not really one to set goals but I believe the time has come, otherwise I think life could just pass by and be over before I know it. I want to live life and not just live. Time goes by so quickly and I always feel I still have lots of time in my life to do the things I want to do but one never really knows do they. There are no guarantees in life that I will get a tomorrow. So what to do, what to do? What can be my next goal....what do I want to try to do that is new and exciting that will help me to grow as a person.

In the last month I have had two support people in my life tell me to make lists. One person suggested I list all the things I enjoy doing in life...the other person suggested I list all the skills I have plus all the things I like to do in life but do badly. I have created these lists and they are very short. And I still don’t know what I want to do, what next goal I need to reach. In the last couple of weeks I have also had two people tell me that I talk so much that I answer my own questions. So...maybe it is time to get back to meditation and prayer, to be quiet and to listen. Hopefully God will gently whisper in my ear and guide me to a new goal and a new challenge. I shall remain hopeful.

What a Glorious Day!

Last November my kids gave me a coupon for a day of tubing at Mt Washington. Today I cashed in my coupon and had the most wonderful day. Five of us piled into my car and shared a 2 hour drive up to Mt Washington. Although the skies were blue when we left town it soon became cloudy and foggy. The drive was spent with us all talking about so many different things. There were lots of laughs along the way. As my little car struggled up the mountain...I mean it did have more of a load that it is used to...we finally reached the height above the fog and clouds and the sunny blue sky was once again all that was above us. The other two young adults, who live in Comox met us up there. We hiked down to the tubing area and waited for it to open. As we waited I observed the hill.  It wasn’t as long as I had pictured but much steeper. This was going to be a very interesting adventure!

Finally the time came for me to hop in a tube and be towed to the top. The ride up was slow and gave one time to admire the beauty of creation. The majestic snow covered mountain tops in the distance had the sun shining down upon them.  The snow was a glistening pure white. Once reaching the top there were three runs to choose from. I chose the closest and away I went. The fear that went through my body as I realized how fast I was going caused me to close my eyes and take some deep breaths telling myself that I would be fine. Eventually after a few seconds I could open my eyes and laugh and enjoy the thrill of the ride down. In all I made 6 trips down the mountain, one trip with each couple, hanging onto each other’s tubes and getting a good spin to send us off, one trip where the four of us women went together and then one final trip on my own.  It is amazing how fast you go and you spin around ending up facing backwards for part of the journey. We spent two hours tubing and then headed back down the mountain.

Driving down the mountain we could look out at the mountains in the distance and looking below see the most beautiful white fluffy clouds. They looked like an ocean of cloud. It’s beauty had me feeling teary which I kept quietly to myself to avoid the teasing from the boys. It was just so amazing.

In Comox we had a tasty lunch at a lovely small restaurant all trying new items with wonderfully flavoured sauces and then finishing the lunch off with us all sharing a big ice cream, chocolate brownie, banana desert. So yummy! Before heading back home we took the time to stop by and check out my daughters new home which they are renovating, and made a quick stop at the mall where we all got a small treat at a discount store. The seven of us had never spent a full day together and it truly was a very joyous fun day.

So my birthday gift coupon was for tubing but what I received was the most awesome day with my young adult children and their partners surrounded by the wonder of creation. I couldn’t help but be awed by the beauty of the earth and to feel so blessed to have such caring, fun loving people as part of my family. I honestly could never have asked for a more perfect gift, a more perfect day, it was the very best!

A New Year with new beginnings

2012 has arrived and I think caught me by surprise. It seems like just yesterday that I was celebrating 2011 and thinking of all the wonderful adventures it would bring. I never make New Year resolutions but instead I make what some would call a “bucket list” of things to accomplish and personal traits to change. Now last year was a very exciting year and many items on my list were fulfilled which makes this year’s list even harder to compose.

My biggest hope for this year is to develop at attitude of positivity. I want to see the cup half full – always – instead of half empty. I want to be happy and uplifting instead of always being negative and whining about my life. This is not going to be an easy feat. Although I mostly feel happy and know how blessed I am in my life I do have a huge tendency to complain and natter about life.

Like this morning for instance. I returned to the gym and the weigh scale. Now a month ago I was celebrating the fact that I had lost 11.5 pounds and right before Christmas I had lost 14 and was only a pound away from my goal. This morning though I am back to where I was a month ago. I had to stop myself from the negative thoughts of ...."oh a whole month of morning exercise wasted, a whole month of dieting gone"....I had to keep bringing myself back to “wow I only gained four pounds over the whole holiday, is that ever great and I will soon lose it “. I know can do it.

This year will be full of new beginnings and new hopes. My son is getting married where I will focus on the happiness of the event and not the stress the busyness of it all will bring, the current folks I work with will retire and move on and I will try to let go with grace and look at the new folks with openness and hope, I will celebrate my 50^th birthday and be thankful for reaching this number and probably it is time to look ahead at my working life. I have 15 more years before retirement and maybe it is time for change. If not in my work, then maybe in my volunteer work, to find a way to give back what I have received from others. In all ways it will be a year of great change and growth which I shall try to look on with great excitement instead of the fear that change usually brings to me.

So my bucket list this year is very short and yet bigger than any other list I have had. I am not sure I am going to have the energy required to be upbeat and positive 24/7 but I am sure going to try. I believe it will require a new outlook on life, time spent in quiet meditation and a constant state of mindfulness to bring myself back to “the cup half full”.

I wish you all a healthy and adventurous 2012 that will bring happiness to you and your families. Let’s not just celebrate the steps we have taken but look forward to the path ahead with great excitement and anticipation.

Happy New Year ( a day late...but on a positive note...better late than never. LOL)

Mystery, Magic and Miracles

It’s that time of the year again! Christmas....it is my favourite holiday and every year it arrives sooner than expected and is over even faster. It is a time for magic, mystery and miracles, a time that is celebrated all around the world.

Christmas is the time we celebrate the birth of Christ, a little child that came to us through God to teach us how to live life and show us the way. So much mystery surrounds Jesus’ birth, life and resurrection. It is said that he was born of a virgin, which, many would think impossible. It is said that he performed miracles and healed people and brought some back to life. Then following his death upon the cross he was miraculously resurrected and came back and reassured his disciples. How could all of this be possible? To me it is one of life’s biggest mysteries and requires a very deep faith to believe but the bible teaches us that all things are possible through God. 

Each year children delight in the magic of Christmas, waiting patiently (or not) for the fat man in the red suit to arrive. Santas can be seen all around the town. Children line up to put in their request for this year’s special gift and then try to be good until the eve of Christmas when Santa will magically slide down the chimney and fill their stockings and deposit their gifts. He flies around the world in his sleigh with magical reindeer and even though some houses don’t have chimneys he manages to fulfill his promise. It is a wonderful time and even the adults get caught up in the magic of Santa and delight in the joy of the children.

Christmas is a time when miracles still happen like they did long ago in a stable. People are filled with love and they share that love and joy with others. People smile and wish each other a Merry Christmas to those they pass on the street. Family and friends gather to spend time together. They come to share a meal, exchange gifts, sing carols and celebrate. In many families it is the only time that they all get together. People open their hearts to those in need and share their time and gifts with others. The love that surrounds us each Christmas is magical and it touches us all. It is a time when peace in this world seems possible and someday the miracle of everyone living in peace may actually happen.

So as I decorate my home, wrap the gifts, and bake the Christmas cookies I can’t help but think about the mystery, the miracles and the magic that happens each year at this time. I reflect on the birth of Christ, the story of St .Nick and feel the love that surrounds us all. I know this time will come and leave quickly but not before I am touched by the love of friends, family and a little baby born in a stable long ago.

Pathways

          

I love this picture. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of life, of the journey we are all on, the pathways we travel. In life we never know what lies ahead. It is always a mystery. Even though we plan and prepare for each day, week and month when we awake to a new day we really have no idea exactly what will happen. There are no guarantees that our plans will unfold as we had hoped. Life is a journey, a pathway taking us into the unknown. We wonder and wait for what lies up ahead or around the next corner.

In this picture we can see the light up ahead which to me represents hope. Although things may not always go as planned, though we may have to walk through some darkness in our lives, there is always hope and light in our future.

Helplessness

Helplessness: Unable to help oneself; powerless or incompetent

It is a feeling I had never heard of for most of my life but it is one I have gotten to know and understand. It is also one I try very hard to avoid.

Growing up I am certain there were millions of times that I experienced helplessness but at that time I had no name for the feeling. It was just a sense of powerlessness, unable to protect myself from the terrible night time dreams, the spanking with the wooden spoon or belt, the teasing from other children, from life in general.  It was just part of my life.

As I became an adult and eventually a parent the feeling of helplessness was almost a constant everyday occurrence. We all want what is best for our children, we want to protect them and keep them safe, we want them to live happy fulfilling lives. When they are young we are more able to protect them than at any other time in their lives. Once they head off to school things are out of our control. We are left standing at the door, helpless to protect them from the outside world. My youngest daughter especially has struggled so much in life and I want nothing more to help her to keep her safe and protected but it is something I am not capable of doing. The bullying in middle school, the abusive boyfriends, are all things I would have liked to have stopped before they began but it was not in my control. Once our children reach young adulthood we have to let them go, allow them to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes. It isn’t that we can’t help them with advice but there is no way to choose for them and the feeling of helplessness increases.

I first heard of the word helplessness when I took a mindfulness class back in 2002 and each week we would describe how we were feeling and share our week and feelings with others. Being “mindful of how things really are” brings awareness to the underlying feelings one experiences. I have a pattern of feeling guilty over a lot of things in my life but I have learned that in most instances the underlying feeling of the guilt is helplessness. I am helpless to help my children financially and helpless to keep them safe out in the working world. I know there are many things I can do but there is so much more I would like to be able to do.

This past spring I was helping to care for a friend of mine’s Mum while they were off travelling and working abroad. I was called by the homecare in the afternoon and told that they were beginning end of life care for this wonderful woman and they asked me to contact her son. It was 11:00 p.m. where they were and thankfully before I made that call someone stopped me and said, “Don’t call now, you will just leave them lying there all night with the feeling of helplessness”. As guilty as I felt about not notifying them right away I could see the wisdom in her words. I knew there was nothing worse than that feeling of helplessness. I waited till dawn to make that call.

This coming Friday is Remembrance Day in our country. It is a day to remember all those who fought and died for our freedom, a day for us to show our respect and thankfulness to those men and woman who risked their lives to stop the evil that was happening in Europe.  We also acknowledge this day at our Sunday Service at church, a service I have normally skipped for the last 10 years.  In years prior to this there was always the service at my children’s school, the service at the Cenotaph with the Guiding and Scouting and the service at the church. I always attended and have used this as an excuse not to have to go to them any longer.

So for the past 10 years I have not attended, until this morning. I went because I was in someway “guilted” into attending. I could not explain why I didn’t like attending and why I avoid going to these services but I knew there was something I did not like about them. As the service began the guilt hit me. The guilt of not feeling I feel thankful enough for my freedom, the guilt of having such a wonderful life, to live in a country where I have enough food and water for myself and my family and so many, many wonderful things that are so unnecessary.  It didn’t take me long to recognize that familiar feeling of helplessness underlying it all. I sat there with the sense of helplessness throughout the entire service and realized this is what I try to avoid, why I stay home, why I usually “skip”.   I sat there feeling there is nothing I can do to help those whose lives are filled with violence, poverty, and war. I sat there wanting to feel more thankful, wanting the world to be at peace, wanting all children to have the lives they deserve, the food and nourishment their bodies need. I sat there with the guilt because I really just wanted to go home and pretend that the world really is a beautiful place for all.

World peace is something that we all want, we all desire but it is not in my control, I am powerless and incompetent to stop the evil that exists in today’s world and I am selfish enough to not want to step up and do something about it. I want to avoid hearing the horrors that little children suffer at the hands of others. And the guilt eats at me because I don’t feel thankful enough for all that I have because I know it is something that everyone, all people in this world deserve, just as much and if not more than I do.

The feeling of helplessness....I don’t like it much....but I guess I can’t keep avoiding it.                             I need to sit with it, be mindful of its presence and welcome it in.

                                                                       Lest We Forget

Gym, Gym and more Gym

It has been a month since I began my working out at the gym and since my personal trainer told me I was FAT.  I have faithfully been going five days a week and following her instructions...well mostly. It has been so very hard and even harder on the days when I work with her. She is one tough woman. One of the exercises I do involves standing on one leg and bending down and touching the floor with a five pound weight. Now I am a bit tippy and so regularly my foot would lightly touch the ground or I would be unable to reach the ground. As she stood their counting each up and down trip, these uncompleted trips never counted and I had to do more to make them up. Riding the bike one would think wouldn’t be too bad but not when your trainer is standing there making sure you remain standing up while riding the bike and each time you try to rest she harasses you until you once again begin pedaling. By the end of each session I felt like I was going to die. Dizzy, exhausted, heart pounding I would thankfully head out to my car where I could sit down and breathe. Lately it has been harder and harder to get up and head down there.

Today, however, was my one month check in. It went great. I was so happy to find that I had lost 5.5 pounds and approximately 3 inches. Unfortunately the three inches weren’t all off my waist but half of them were so that is not too bad. My trainer though was not even slightly excited....there was no pat on the back ....you’ve done great or wow that is awesome! What there was, was her saying “well you could have lost more weight so let’s talk about nutrition”. She obviously had forgotten that the last time we met I told her that talking about food sets me off and I usually get very grumpy when people try and tell me what to eat and how to eat healthy.  I always feel I am surrounded by health addicts and vegetarians and somehow it ends up making me feel guilty for the things I choose to eat. Today however things were different. I sat there as she showed me how to enter the foods I eat, to see the meal plans and the shopping list required to make all the suggested meals for a week. Now am I going to do this? No. Why did I sit there so politely listening to her? I knew the other option would be to go and work out in the gym with her hounding  me to keep going and frankly I decided to treat myself to just sitting comfortably in a chair listening.

I now have set another goal to lose five more pounds by Christmas which will be harder than this last month due to the fact that there are so many meals out and parties to attend to over the holiday season. So although I shall attempt to do my best I am not very hopeful that I can accomplish this. But then I honestly never thought I would become someone who goes to the gym, who has a trainer and doesn’t just throw in the towel over it all. It just goes to show you that one never knows where life will lead you. As much as I would rather be on the couch with my bag of potato chips, life seems to have me down at the gym balancing on a ball and lifting weights. But hey, at least according to my BMI I am no longer FAT!