Living Life

I grew up in a family of four and we lived a good basic life. We camped and travelled around BC quite a lot and enjoyed living a simple life. We also fished a fair bit of the time out on the ocean in a small boat. My Mom would worry every time we went out in it fearful for us kids and I also became very nervous every time we went out. I spent the time daydreaming or sleeping to keep my mind off the deep dark waters. It is really how I grew up...day dreaming made up stories about my life and where it would take me. I spent hours upon hours living in a fantasy world instead of enjoying the real world around me. Later on, becoming a parent myself I spent much of my time worrying over their safety and their wellbeing constantly warning them to be careful.

In these last ten years I have grown and changed a great deal, mainly I believe because of my faith, my belief in an all loving God. I have finally been able to let go of many of my fears. Do I still worry at times, of course I do. I have three children and like any parent, I only want good for them but life happens and it isn’t always smooth sailing. With my faith, trust and a fair bit of courage I was able to leave a home and marriage of almost twenty years and start a fresh new life where I feel free to evolve and grow.

I spent this past week with my birth family and by the end of the week I was so thankful that I have my faith in God and have been able to move forward and live life. A day trip was planned to go and visit my daughter which was a two hour drive away. My Mom wouldn’t come. She couldn’t let go of her fear of us all being in a car accident and no one but my adult children being left alive. She knew if she came she would worry and fret the whole day and not enjoy it. It saddened me because there aren’t many chances for us all to go off on an adventure together. My Mom, almost 80 has lived a good life and still fishes off the west coast, hikes trails and has many friends but her fear of an accident kept her from sharing in a wonderful day with her children. She has lived almost 80 years but I wonder how many times her fears have kept her from actually enjoying and really living her life.

My sister and I in Comox

My sister has had, for as long as I can remember, a fear of heights. I would always be the one to ride up on Dad’s shoulders. She could never stand to be up that high. I never knew how bad her fear was til two years ago when I took her hiking on one of the islands and she could barely make herself walk along this one trail that had a bit of a steep drop off. It really wasn’t that bad but she had to force herself to move. She also worries a fair bit about life and strives hard to make things perfect for her son and husband. So after our trip up island we decided to go hiking, my Mom, my sister and my daughter and her dog. There were so many beautiful trails I could take them on but I knew many were off bounds because of their fear of walking on the “edge”. So we decided to hike to the cross on the dirt path and road and avoid the outer edge. When we arrived at the parking lot there was a sign warning people that a cougar had been spotted in the area. Instantly my sister said “oh we aren’t going” but I parked the car and we all got out. She really didn’t have much choice and besides my brave daughter spoke the obvious “don’t worry, the cougar will attack my dog first”. We had a great day hiking and I was so proud of my Mom to make it all the way to the cross. I couldn’t wait to take pictures of her up there standing at top.

Of course the cross is on the edge of a rock outcropping which has a huge drop off on all three sides but my Mom walked up and sat at its base. My sister however had to almost close her eyes and feel her way to get as close to my Mom as she could, to pose for the pictures. I felt for her and was once again saddened that her fear keeps her from enjoying so many things in life. I too have a fear of heights so I know what she feels but I can’t say it has kept it from me doing things that I want to do. I wouldn’t ever go skydiving as I am not sure I could manage to just jump out of a plane but then it also isn’t one of my dreams or desires.

My family at the cross

At the end of the week shared with my family I spent time reflecting on how thankful I am that I have been able to leave so many of my fears behind and to go out and explore this world not only by hiking the hills but by learning and practicing different spiritual practices. I feel all the new adventures I have been blessed with these past ten years have tested me and helped me grow becoming both physically and spiritually stronger. To me one is only really living life when they can face their fears and enjoy every moment experiencing adventures that others only dream of. Safety precautions always need to be taken seriously and rules and guidelines need to be followed but trust in life can allow us the freedom to take some risks and reach new heights. I know I have so much still to do in this life, so many more fears to face but I hope with my trust in God and a strong belief in what St. Julian of Norwich said “all shall be well, all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well” I can continue to live my dreams. Whatever comes in life I know I will be strong enough to face and handle. If I die while driving to see my daughter or if I die in the jaws of a cougar on a mountain hillside at least I will have died truly living my life. So proud of my sister and Mom (79 years old) to make it up to the cross with me!

Seasons of Love

Whenever I have thought of seasons I have thought of change. How nature changes as we journey through the four seasons of the year, winter, spring, summer and fall. Although I don’t normally like change, moving through the four seasons I’m okay with because each season has it’s own beauty and brings with it it’s own gifts.

Today while I was running at the gym listening to a new play list I came across a song the “Season of Love” from the play Rent. I had heard it many times before but today listening to the words it reminded me of a church service I attended last week. The service was a large Anglican service for the consecration of a new Bishop. It was a very beautiful and moving service which flowed easily. People from all over came together in celebration. As I looked around at the thousands of people there I imagined his congregational members were not only celebrating but also feeling some sadness as the man that has led them and cared for them, moves onto other callings. I felt for them, as the church I attended had gone through a change in ministers not all that long ago and I knew there would be sadness for themselves in amongst their joy for him. The service itself was so much more than going through the rituals and promises of the consecration. It was so very personal of the man being honoured. From the children’s time, to having his daughters share in the readings and perform liturgical dance, the Scottish music that was played throughout, it was all connected to a man who was obviously dearly loved by many. A man who had made connections with the First Nations people who were there drumming, to some of us "non-Anglicans" who had attended previous Sunday services and came to witness this moment in his life. It didn’t matter who we were, where we had come from or what our beliefs were we were all welcomed and worshipped together connected through one common thread, our care for him. It was a service full of love and I left there feeling very spiritually uplifted and moved by the openness and love that everyone there shared.

The song also made me realize that I had never thought about love being a season before but in many ways it is. Our feelings of love change and grow throughout our lives as we journey through the seasons and years. As a child growing up I always knew that my parents loved me, after all how could they not, I was their child. The words in the song remind us that love is a gift from up above. It is a gift that I have had all of my life, growing up in a caring loving family and now having young adult children of my own, I have always known I was loved. As my family has grown with sons and daughter in laws joining us and now a grandchild on the way the unconditional love we share grows and expands.

In the past two years though I have moved into a new “season of love” where I have realized I am not only loved by family but also by friends. In this season of love I have finally been able to open my heart and feel the love deep inside me. To be loved and feelloved by people who have no other reason to love you except for you being the person you are is such an amazing blessed gift. As I sat holding hands saying grace with loving friends the other night I thought to myself, “life doesn’t get any better than this”. At that moment I felt loved and at peace with life and thankful for all that I have been blessed with. Life is so very good at this moment, in this season, yet when I soon hold my new grandson in my arms for the first time I know I will feel the gift of love from up above flow through my heart for this new child and life will have once again just gotten better. A new season of love will have begun.

                                                                   A symbol of love

Life and love always change as relationships change, like the seasons of the year, new ones are formed and others end, each bringing us their gifts for a time. Without the seasons in nature and the seasons of love we could not exist. As this season of winter ends and we move into spring I will remind myself of all of the gifts I am so blessed to have in my life. To love and be loved by family and friends is my greatest gift from up above and someday I pray all people everywhere will be blessed by many seasons of love.